Ok, you sound pretty cool for a The United States of Americanian. But I’m gonna need you to work on that cilantro thing.

Hey man. I’m a really nice person. Really. I mean, I can be a crabby asshole like everyone else when they’ve had a bad day, and I am far from perfect (I drink too much, curse too much, smoke too much, I suffer from insomnia, I have an odd sense of humor, I suck at math, I’m afraid of heights, I hate cilantro,…

of course. that was the plan the entire time: marginalize and demonize a minority group, and when a few lash out, use them as an excuse to oppress the entire group. this is like white supremacy 101.

I would have gone with “why have children when you can have cake?” but that’s just how I roll. (Also, cake).

Man, wish Crayola still made that marker pack. There was “blood red,” “pus off-white,” “gangrene green,” “frostbite black,” “icterus yellow,” and “fecalith brown.”

He’s hanging in there...

WOWW. Now she’s getting info from former students?? This is amazing!

I don’t have one, but my co-worker told me she once meant to send a seductive picture of her in the bathtub to the man she was talking to at the time and it went to another guy friend of hers instead. Oops.

• What meal do you make for yourself when everything is going wrong and you need some edible comfort?

I dislike him for a very petty reason. His hair/skin coloring is identical to my former supervisor’s. She’s the daughter of Satan and certified Slytherin (seriously, bitch was sorted to that house at the Pottermore site) who deliberately set me up to get fired. Other kinds of redheads are ok with me, but those who…

He seems generically somewhat dull (though there are probably plenty of people who would refer to me as dull), but also harmless and overall a nice person. I like a couple of his songs enough to throw them onto a playlist now and again.

Everybody has to admit that it’s pretty amazing that you can look at a picture of him and know exactly how terrible he smells.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't stand this flaccid, ginger muppet.

I tried to imagine him with huge eyes like Zoey but now all I can picture is a ginger Steve Buscemi.

Ed Sheeran is what happens when a grown adult man tries to adopt Zooey Deschanel’s “I’m adorkable” routine, and it is horrifying.

Sure! If you don’t like pooping.

For some unknowable reason, Jay Z and Beyoncé like to collect the affections of painfully lame white people

walleyed tomato