Lets keep this civil and not mock this man for his physical disability, mkay?

My best one has to be last year, when I was in my friend Dave's wedding (not his real name). The wedding itself went fine, except for when the lights flickered in the church during the vows and everyone freaked out and the bride's grandmother wanted to start the vows over.

So many things to tell..I will try to sum it up but it is going to get long and weird.

Hat-Themed wedding.

This is my 18th year of teaching and I'm going to drop a good one on you. Buy a gift card for a fancy massage or facial or mani/ pedi or something and put it in your drawer. Then, sometime during the last 6 weeks of school, this will be the best thing EVER. Bonus if you can save a "sick day"/ personal leave day and…

Don't leave us in suspense! Whose penis was it?

Well I like it. *shrug*
And it looks like art to me. And I genuinely like it. IMO the pieces show an eye for balance, detail, and overall gestalt. Regardless: She put things together in a way that pleased her. That's art. Hey, I like to make fun of privileged stars all day, but since when did something stop being art…

Heh. I'm 36 years old and I just smoked weed in my bathroom for the first time. Here's to late blooming! Also I kind of want to both laugh at and high-five myself.

My curiosity was insatiable.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished…

DUUUUUUDE. You HAVE to make a fake Match.com profile with fake photo, message him for sex (I think most guys would be up for random sex) and suggest you two meet somewhere. Then in you walk. And he dies instantly of a heart attack. That would be so sick.

gifs like that are the reason we have this mess in the first place!

I'm happy that super models are making a come back. I miss the days when Naomi/Cindy/Christy/Linda were a huge deal.

So I just got back from a Saturday night adventure. But first, some background: I share a car with my brother. Technically our dad owns it, but it's typically used by us two. So we usually run by each other when we need the car and make sure we're not stepping on each other's toes. The only real rule is to not keep it…

you really can't be this fucking stupid can you?

Listen, ima second the calling the cops thing. Tell them you live far and this lady has taken over your poor, sweet, elderly father's finances and that your father feels that he cannot make make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss end of life care with her around and that she's trying to take over his medical…

Honestly at this point I'm CALL THE POLICE. I would not be a bit surprised if this woman and her partner are wanted in multiple states. Con artists can smell a lonely guy a mile away.

She's a seal.