Dammit, I came here hoping for a Mariah Carey-esque tour rider. Bernie doesn’t like busy patterns. He also wants 20 white kittens and 100 white doves to be released when he goes on stage for the debate.

The scary thing is, I imagine many of the folks weeded out in law enforcement personality tests end up working for security services.

So did the perps!

Let’s be real, I doubt she reads the transcript, ‘cos readin’s for pansy-ass libruls! But otherwise I totally agree.

I’m a litigator. Sometimes I’ll do oral argument before the Court and think, “shit, that felt like rambling. I bet I sounded so dumb. I must do better next time.” And then I get the transcript back and I’ve spoken eloquently throughout it. Comparatively, I imagine Palin is like “nailed it” after a speech and then…

Hmm. Maybe I need to talk slowly here.

Get ready for a week long conversation about What Your Kids Are Doing On The Internet. I bet Chris Hansen’s media schedule is booked until next Tuesday.

She posted one on Twitter, with the women’s name screen-cut for privacy. Scary stuff - the woman mentioned that she also found out he’d been doing this to four other women, and when she dumped him he hit her. Perfect misogynistic asshole trifecta: unfaithful, dishonest, and abusive.

I hope that the police are still looking for accomplices as it seems unlikely that Miss Washington did this solo.

Well, when it comes to Washington and violence with soccer players, there is always Hope.

This is actually an underrated rock bottom for poor Johnny Football: When a guy who has agreed to coach the Raiders AND Browns (taking the latter job when he was still reportedly a prime candidate with other, non-cursed franchises) decides that YOU are not worth trying to fix.

The Bible was written by several different authors over the course of a few hundred years, yet millions of people believe that it is absolute fact...alright then.

Our solar system is not symmetrical. So there’s that.

“Two guys that I’m super close with and it’s sticky, man.”

Equipment Manager: “I have nothing to say, officer. I ain’t gonna dime anyone out.”

27? Fuck. Pre-frontal cortex AND amygdala consumed by CTE? Just fuck.

Mommas don’t let your babies play football as babies, either. This case is important because it shows that it’s not necessarily a long career in the NFL that does it — the damage done when playing peewee, high school, and college count, but no one talks about it. Scary shit.

Sadly, I have my own draft “notes” on both these guys from when I used to just scribble some commentary on each drafted player when I was a kid. Still remember that my comment for Anthony Goldwire was that the NBA didn’t even have a picture of him! Yeah, I had no friends.

Breaking news: Kobe Bryant is a dick, bad teammate

Close, but I think us white western males are, to quote Frank Sinatra’s letter to George Michael, “top dog on the top rung of a tall ladder.”