I don’t know, I saw a BMW with working turn signals the other day.

Damn. I can barely get to the bathroom from the couch in 4.38 seconds, and even then that’s when I’m highly motivated.

Women should not be seen as attractive or sexual creatures. This sort of stuff has no place in our post-sexual culture and we should shame our primal instincts. Unattractive people have every right to feel just as sexy as those who invest in their bodies by exercising and eating healthy.

maybe it’s just a voice inside your head

Psychopaths/sociopaths make the best CEOs. Pretty easy to be successful when you have the same morality as a computer program.

come on though, it’s probably 500 feet from the visitor’s center parking lot and contains a note on how the real treasure was inside you all along.

<Truck commercials have misled me to believe these vehicles should be able to cross this terrain.> 

“Please focus on me as I read War and Peace aloud and pay no mind to Father #3 who is totally not sneaking up behind Larry Nassar right now.”

Team up with another father. First one goes hard as distraction and when all the bailiffs are on him second dad comes in with a flying superman punch. Hardest part would be the rock-paper-scissors to figure out which one will be pinned to floor and which one gets to feel Nassar’s face under his knuckles.

Too lazy to look something up but have no problem making assumptions and saying well fuck the other side. If they were smart like me this wouldn’t have happened. Are you Donald trump?

Usually you make a deposit after eating at Taco Bell.

Once again, Nabisco’s promotional department misses the mark.

Murder requires one of two things for either a murder one or murder two charge:

Murder one requires malice aforethought and mens rea (criminal intent). The officer likely cannot be proven to have intended to kill someone when they approached the house, so that’s out.

Murder two is a crime of passion; “passion,” in legal…

I can’t wait to read your excuses for not hiring Colin Kaepernick.

Deadspin’s coverage is already wide left.

This is why you’ve never won a Super Bowl.

I bet Rod Watson reads Splinter on purpose. He doesn’t even need to be tricked with some clickbait headline.