I always make Klein bottles out of my bagels.

Brass Bonanza wins every time.

Michelle Beadle has nothing to do with anything, dummy. I mean yeah, I guess she shouldn't be nice to Floyd, but that's completely, totally irrelevant to whether Stephen A is a victim-blaming dipshit.

"Honey, how do you expect me to get in the mood if you don't even have colored drop-down selections for column B?"

If this lackluster Excelmanship is any indication, this is a man who lacks passion.

I use a similar spreadsheet, except column A is formatted YYYY.

"Oh wow, that's hilarious. Who the fuck was that Eric Lindros guy trying to impress?" -Eric Lindros

If this is the honest version then why is Michael Jordan tipping?

In an office somewhere in Miami, Pat Riley's trembling hand moves his mouse forward, to the font drop-down, and selects "Comic Sans"

Poor bastard blew through five dollars in quarters just to get that stupid milk can.

Thanks, gotta make my bones here somehow

Since the Heat don't need exponential improvement, the logarithmic boost they get from Napier should be fine.

You missed one:

Someone once argued to me, and granted I wasn't alive when he was pitching so I really have no idea, that Nolan Ryan threw so many no-hitters because when he got close, and he fell behind in a count, he'd intentionally pitch around batters in order to preserve the no-hitter, rather than tossing up a beach ball. Is…

Much better tackler than his cousin, Lito.

Following the incident, Colon was reportedly stuffed for days.