Should I note that this is probably the closest these TeamMitch chuds will ever get to a woman, and even then it’s only because that “woman” is made of cardboard?

Meanwhile, in a small condo outside of Montreal, Youppi! waits to hear if he’ll be recruited one more time.

Ivanka Trump could end this right now. She could put on her best lace teddy, meet up with Hope Hicks at the White House, and promise daddy a private show he’ll never forget - so long as daddy resigns at the end of the week.  Or by the end of the day if she brings Tomi Lahren in for the show.

It would be “too bad” if nine months from now, Ivanka’s new baby has a weird, orange tint to it and its fingers are nearly microscopic.

He’ll just demand a trade, and end up on the Colorado Avalanche and win the Stanley Cup.  Oh wait, that was Patrick Roy... my bad...

Great listing and fun to read after I saw the movie.  For those who don’t live around Los Angeles, I’d also mention the gratuitous use of KHJ on all the car radios in the movie (and the awesome Adam West / Burt Ward KHJ contest promo that ran over the closing credits).  Kinda curious as to whether they used original…

I seem to also recall that he claimed that Hillary Clinton never visited Ground Zero during the aftermath - of which pictures of Hillary Clinton at the site dispute very clearly. 

Probably the worst thing to happen to Maryland was when Trump registered a company, T International Realty LLC, in the state. Of course, within a few months it was already listed as “not in good standing.” But I’m sure he’ll blame Elijah Cummings for that too.

Stevie Wilkerson must have mistaken that “45" on the mound to be the speed limit for his pitches. 

Wait until he finds out that Sweden isn’t holding Rocky Balboa behind bars.  Boy will HE be embarrassed.

Taylor came up with that explanation rather Swift-ly. 

You want the first pick in the draft?  Here’s the solution.  All the teams that don’t make the playoffs have to participate in an NCAA-style one-and-done knockout tournament that begins AFTER the NBA finals.  Hell, throw in the Elam Ending from those TBT tournament games.  Winner of the tournament gets first pick. 

The last time Ellen Barkin was relevant, she was getting hit on by Peta Wilson in a grade-F erotic thriller.

The last time he read anything of substance, he had to check and see if the centerfold had a staple in her navel or not.

And surprisingly, ESPN’s being kinder to him than the Baseball Writers Association of America, who are still pissed at him for crowd-sourcing his Hall of Fame vote on Deadspin.

I heard he was going to be greeted at the airport by his new administrative officials.

These chuds are more than willing to believe that Obama was born in Kenya, that Hillary Clinton ran a child sex trafficking ring through a pizza place, and that Ilhan Omar married her brother - all because they want to believe the worst of people that they hate.  This police officer needs to lose his badge and his…

I’m surprised he hasn’t accused Omar of bleaching her e-mails or driving recklessly to Chappaquiddick yet.

Tomorrow on the AV Club - the one person in America who thought the Jem and the Holograms movie was the greatest film of all time. 

You forgot to say Chappaquiddick and Whitewater.