-Survived 30 years in the bleak hellscape of human existence without jumping off a bridge.

You know what they also need to ban? Fish. As in, literal fish. There are so, so many profile photos of men holding fish. Dear men: I am not interested in your cod.

I was at the Farmer’s Market with my newborn in a front wrap and the goat cheese guy asked me what I had “there” and I said “a baby” and he said “a baby human?” Only time anyone asked me to qualify “baby.” I live in Austin so I suppose there are people walking around with other baby animals strapped to them?

A friend got so annoyed by people asking ‘what she was having’. One time her bf snapped and just said ‘a baby’.

I only judge people at the gym who don’t re-rack their weights.

Nasyrova was also reportedly wanted for the alleged murder of a woman in Russia and for “preying on” various New York City men. She is said to have been enjoying a “carefree” life in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn.

My grandmother used to say “even an idiot knows that the sky is blue”.

Okay, fine, I’ll take one for the team:

Shit, for a million dollars, my husband would be mad if I didn’t cheat on him.

My boyfriend once asked me “Would you cheat on me for a million dollars?”

I haven’t watched The Simpsons in a long time, but Maggie is probably a nihilist.

We have 3 billion “letters” in our DNA, and this study looked at, literally, three of them. As a study design, that’s excellent; they’re testing a specific hypothesis.

I can’t be the only one who read “Rhode Island’s youngest state senator” in the headline, glanced down to see a video freeze-frame of Paul DiMaio, and wondered “that’s Rhode Island’s youngest senator?”

Anyone else stuck in this weird spot where you’re generally happy/hopeful about the direction your own life specifically is headed, but the state of the world and the direction its heading constantly drags you down, so you want to just completely ignore and shut out the news, but you feel an obligation to keep…

That being said, she quickly added, “If you’ve already got the flu, I’m gonna pray for you right now ... flu, I bind you off of the people in the name of Jesus. Jesus himself gave us the flu shot.”

Yep, 20% is my baseline too. Move the decimal place, double it and round up to the nearest dollar.

Just here for the comments:

Also known as “p-hacking”, the social sciences in particular are rife with this problem — and we’re going to see a lot more of it as more data becomes available to more people without the proper statistical training.

Every time I think I want plastic surgery I watch an episode of “Botched.” OMG. It makes me look at my (very) real body and thank it for being real every single time.

You're never good at programming... you just get less bad.