My company issues a new iphone every year. I have a huge drawer full of them shits.

Yeah I know it’s a trade off like that, maybe for people who want to be creative about their tech rather than what they can make with it.

I’m going to keep using my... whatever the fuck phone this is that I reluctantly bought six years ago from a stall in a mall because it was cheap until it stop working.

Then I am going to hunt for a phone that can send text messages, recieve calls, and do literally nothing else.

Schindler’s Fist?

“Schindler’s Fist”

I want a sequel to Schindler’s List that consists entirely of Oscar Schindler throat-punching Nazis. 

Good for you. Now get off my lawn.

Only good thing Trump ever did was bully the shit out of Ted Cruz.

Terrible. Guy Fieri can do much better.

We’re all in a porn movie. Some of us are in better ones.

[Cruz unhinges jaw, swallows entire can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup - still in the can]

Given that he’s a Republican in 2017, is anybody really surprised that Cruz’s kink is people standing quietly on the sidelines and playing with themselves?

Needs more shoulder pads...and wire hangers.

So a soft reboot of Mommy Dearest, got it.

You obviously weren’t paying attention: gay sex creates hurricanes.

Speaking of prayer, remember to pray for the places affected by the hurricanes to the same God who created those hurricanes.