She’s not a heartless, child-kicking racist. She’s a heartless, child-kicking, LITIGIOUS racist. Duh.

He would literally starve to death.

The density of stupid in that column is amazing.

Seriously. A few months back, some friends and I had a waitress who wasn’t doing a very good job that night. She was clearly distracted, screwed up a couple of our orders, and forgot to come back to refill our drinks. She also looked like she’d been crying recently and was liable to start crying again at any moment.…

“If I don’t like your column, well, you only get 40% of your base salary this week because I’m the one who happens to be reading it.”

I still can’t think of a single example of Kristol being right about anything. Ever.

Well, I must now throw in my support for the ban on poop/vomit stories. They are no fun at all, if this is how they turn out. I’d rather read about “Caramel Sauce Lady” or a hundred “gluten intolerant” customers eating breadsticks than have to endure a poop/vomit story of this caliber.

How motherfucking ignorant do you have to be to think that “maitre” is two separate words? Maitre means “master” in French - maitre d’[hotel] is literally master of the house, which should at least be somewhat familiar to anyone who’s seen Les Miserables. “Mai tre” means fuck all, unless you’re deliberately going for…

And it’s equally bizarre to think that a person having a bad night SHOULDN’T BE PAID.

“I hesitate to mention another reason I like tipping. I like to make a difference, not just to be a bit of a big shot or be noticed or appreciated, but to give some of what I make to those who make less. I’m not flipping silver dollars into the air or hurling twenties around with abandon, but I am a healthy tipper…

“I have a God complex, but was too lazy too take the typical medical school route. So instead I inflict it on unsuspecting wait staff making $2.13/hr.”

Y/N:

Really, this is the only headline you ever need for Richard Cohen, until the day he finally shuffles off this mortal coil.

I agree. Why should this logic apply only to waiters? I want exceptional service from the teller at the bank, the butcher at the deli, the guy who changes the oil in my car, etc. I just have no obligation to tip them because they make minimum wage.

“I like to make a difference, not just to be a bit of a big shot or be noticed or appreciated, but to give some of what I make to those who make less.”

I’ll allow it just this once.

Doesn’t this op-ed basically go against your policy of no poop/vomit stories? Because Cohen’s pretentious “Occasionally I like to punish” word salad was basically poop and vomit.

“He has an incentive to give me exceptional service, not some mediocre minimum”

Worth noting since I mentioned Clinton: this video, starting around 3:30, is still one of my favorite things on the internet. Watch Clinton’s face every single time Bill Kristol says anything. God, I love this video so much.

I want this to be so big that Disney will lock JJ Abrams down for the rest of his life and keep him the fuck away from Star Trek.