It feels like such a different time in political scandals. That was one hideous office.

I long for the days when the biggest republican scandals involved low down dicking and being in the closet. No Russian or treason.

It’s like the reverse of the Bill Cosby downfall. A woman tell us this, but no one wants to believe it, and then another woman says it again, and no one wants to believe it. How many ladies are going to have to say that David Spade has a big dick before we accept that even though we dislike him, he has a big dick?

The kicker? According to a fellow Jezzie who said she went to high school with Hilaria, her real name is Hilary!

The regents’ sincerest hope is that Dr. Livingstone will show all the young women of Baylor how to dress appropriately, in ways that won’t cause the football players to rape them.

I don’t eat out.

This nitpicking is so petty. Every time he speaks publicly, Jon Ossoff makes a point of mentioning that he grew up in that district.

Wait, are you suggesting that Jeremy Corbyn may not quite be the political strategy genius destined to return the Loberal Party to power in an overwhelming victory?

Could be worse. It could be the smug cunt who ordered the thing and then washed his hands.

I haven’t hated John Lithgow this much since he sent Harry away!

In the interview he said CS said to HIM, “I think you might be gay.”

It was a tasteful bombing. Sixty would have been gauche.

The lawyers were told to leave the settlement check on the nightstand.

That’s a line I cribbed from my mother, who spent a quarter century defending our nation’s capital’s finest crack dealers.

We’re not going to let that happen.

Pro tip: if your husband calls the nanny his “ride or die bitch,” file for divorce immediately. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Exception to the rule: Oprah on a zip line. Cause that shit was funny.

Speaking of narcissistic, egocentric assholes, she really believes Kardashian defended Simpson as a way of getting back at his ex-wife? I think I’ll stick with the version where he believed his close friend couldn’t have done such a heinous thing until he was faced with enough proof to change his mind about it.

Why simply have a marble fireplace with gold accents when you can cover your whole tacky ridiculous apartment in it?

As someone who gives zero fucks about football, I actually get the “he’s our hometown sports hero, who cares who he voted for?” Then again, I give zero fucks who anyone on the Ravens or Orioles voted for. And I imagine only a moron would vote based on that to start with.