Under this law could stadium officials at least check for guns at the entry then like mark people carrying guns with a big red x on their forehead to make sure they can’t buy beer?

Throwing on the one yard line instead of running it for starters

Love this! Especially since it’s performed for an elite international audience, it’s really been one of if not the only time since Trump won the presidency that I’ve felt even remotely OK about the future.

I’m gonna pretend that it’s Michael Bolton, and that he’s just going to serenade people into peace and tranquility. That’s almost certainly a better foreign policy plan than anything Trump and his flying monkeys have cooked up.

Either America means something or it doesn’t. If we allow Donald Trump to become president then it just doesn’t. No amount of pretending will make it otherwise. I am truly sorry that we have to become adversarial with Russia, but the fact is, they are attacking us. They are subverting our government with the intention…

I’m pissed that Steve Bannon exists on this earth.

*whose*

“Rip off Ivanka’s human face mask, and reveal the demon within!”

No, I’m just a scientist who experiments with animating non-living matter. My sofa was the first successful attempt. His name is Brandon and he’s held down a job as a road-side sign-twirler for over a month now.

“Why did you lie to me, Hammer?”

What is she even trying to do? There’s no nail...

Newsflash; people who can’t tell they’ve been conned surprised when it turns out they’ve been conned.

Drunk Cuba Gooding Jr. is more interesting than regular Cuba Gooding Jr.

Johnson, at least, has a name befitting a sausage party. ;)

I will fold ten million cranes for this.

This is so absolutely wrong. Pardon me, I don’t want to insult you...

I assume that the judge dismissed his argument because it’s incredibly asinine

I hate to tell you, “basic” is not a normal name for a baby. Especially with the lower-case b.

Tom: Hey Siri, are you my daughter?