I agree—she was battling her internals and wrote them out. Her writing is clever and sardonic and was more rhetorical than anything!

The author didn't write this for real answers...

NO.

None of your suggestions are the same kind of sugar pop produced by Perry and Gaga, in my mind.

Are there any male performers that she could use to compare apples to apples here?

I forgive her for misusing "your" because a cheater deserves this humility.

Obssessed with GM.

I hate how GM-loving the editors are. It is unwarranted in this day and age.

Is his name Barry Zuckercorn?

Not in Oklahoma. Ellen is getting Oprah's spot here!

Walmart doesn't want laundry companies to sell smaller, concentrated bottles to use less packaging. They want the bottles smaller so people use the concentrated solution as if it isn't concentrated (use more) so that they buy more.

If sharing is allowed by the company, how can a state make it illegal?

My ex's mother was a psychatrist and every medication in her house was expired but she swore it was still good. And although she seemed a bit looney in her own right, I never got sick taking her 5-year old advil.

That photo reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer wouldn't let them throw away the giant sub sandwich and he eats off of it for a super long time and gets some sort of food borne illness from eating a green and gray, year old sammie.

We baked a cake with my grandma last year and she brought out Betty Crocker pre-made frosting that was in a tin can... I don't think I had seen that kind in my lifetime but it had an early 90s expiration date. We opened it and it still looked normal but smelled weird so she allowed us to not use it. So weird.

She didn't just accuse Chris Brown, he was convicted.

90 percent of commenters probably didn't even notice the typo as reading your awesome analogy, though!

You're more tolerant than I and probably handled your break up better than I handled the one in which I immediately blocked my ex on all social mediums.

Is it the Jalopnik politiking or the Jalopnik writer's love for Chevy?

There's an "edit" button for that.