I’m 33 and my mind is still consumed with pogs.

weed?

YOU DONT SAY THAT ABOUT LANCE

Cornier than a podiatrist’s office in Boca Raton.

Cornier than a Mormon Tabernacle Choir performance emceed by Garrison Keillor in Mitchell, SD.

He’s cornier than a johnnycake and I cannot let it go. Why are we all pretending he’s not made of 70% corn kernels and 30% cringe? I feel like I’m crazy.

Galaxies rotate faster than my eyes do whenever I see news of a purported new Drake paramour.

Look he can’t hel...

Oh, come on. He didn’t say anything about this girl he wouldn’t say about his own daughter.

Man, this episode of SVU is *crazy*

Before I had my daughters Delaware Hibiscus and Nevaeh-Fayth Osteen I was totally fine with piles of broken glass all over the sidewalks. I had even seen friends dump their shattered mirrors in the streets; I didn’t say anything. Sometimes I even joined in. But now that I’m a father to two girls, who I love even more…

I’ve lived most of my 20's with the dream team in office. What the shit am I gonna do after January?

so thats what a seventh degree burn looks like...

Normally I’d be against the relentless abuse of a dumb animal, but I’m ok in Ann Coulter’s case.