I want $100 off because everything I touch in the thing will feel greasy for the next month.

Kill you and marry some punk that works for you? I understand that feeling.

As a child, fruit slices were the only thing that mattered about Passover. As an adult, good God fruit slices are the most vile poison ever.

R means RACE

But it’s ugly.

Strangers on a Slide.

Great write up. I admit, you got me here:

A two truck owner I met once told me that it’s common for one tow truck company in an area to kick back to the local PD so that they’re the only company called out to wrecks. Maybe the lurkers have to do that to get a chance of any business.

Person 1: “I have an STI.”
Person 2: “That’s terrible! What kind?”
Person 1: “Type RA.”
Person 2:“I think I’ve heard of that. Is it serious?”
Person 1: “Yeah, it’s serious.”
Person 2: “I’m so sorry...”
Person 1: “Wait, what?”

You didn’t know that?

There is pretty much always a [insert model] owners club.

I used to tie a Tamagotchi to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to buy a Tamagotchi cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of Bill Clinton on ‘em. “Gimme five Slick Willie’s for a quarter”, you’d say.

Legal advice:

How do I reach these keeeeeeeds?

If only he had stayed for a full four years of college he might have learned to stick a towel under the door.

Just because someone got a bunch of plastic surgery in their 40's, it doesn’t make them any younger

That worked out well with Claudia O’Doherty a couple weeks ago.