Those fools. Don't they know they can save on the heating bill by snuggling with her? They don't deserve her.

Moving laterally is a bummer. But on the bright side- people who eat crab on New Years will molt halfway through the year and enjoy several months of fabulously soft, fresh looking skin.

January 1st is the day I roll my age forward every year, even though my birthday isn't for 4 months. This year I'm facing a particularly scary birthday, and I think this will allow me to get used to the age, to try it on without buying it yet. So I've been wallowing today, dealing with the fact that I'm about to be…

I once drew my ex's face on a pumpkin and ran over it with my friend's car until it was pulp. One of her best ideas ever. It was extremely cathartic.

Oh. My. Lords. Of. Kobol.

I actually made resolutions this year!

Have you heard about putting a penny in peas and silver dollar in the greens? Whoever gets the coin is going to be especially prosperous? My mom thinks that's gross so we've never done it. Also, we're greedy so we'd probably end up inhaling it.

Since I'm still extremely pissed off and saddened by this, I can't enjoy the party I'm at without expressing my feelings first. I wrote out an open letter:

My mom always burns a bayberry taper candle (still not totally sure what that is) on New Year's Day, because her mom always did that.

I don't know how anything in 2015 will be better than Maru's face when they first put that hat on.

Ta da!
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It was constant. If any new word popped up in the lexicon of pop culture she immediately started using it, usually without actually know what it meant.

Only on the holidays, bae.

I never ever ever want to hear "went viral" or any conjugation thereof again. It's a YouTube video that got a couple hundred thousand hits, not a disease.

I will fucking pound your doughy face into a feminist symbol, you sack of shit.

Look, none of these are bad as this monstrosity. NEVER FORGET.

This is the opinion of a sweatpants wearing fashion idiot, but it seems to me that, "objectively," the clothes that Alexa Chung wears are terrible. The only reason they're subjectively not terrible is because she is very thin, and cute, and "quirky" (had to swab my keyboard with alcohol after typing that word). It is…

This article was actually a disgusting and warped way to reignite my hope and belief in love- Allen really loves you to sit through all of that, and the crunchy vomit comment at Costco, and still find you sexy in purple. You love him a lot or you wouldn't torture him like that. that's really sweet and faith…

How about telling the shop you're buying the computer from to reinstall windows and continue to honor the warranty. After all, you should not have to pay for something and then work for hours to make it what you really wanted. Put the burden on the retail establishment where it belongs. Or, go to a different store -…