Great advice for all situations.

Glad everyone’s okay. Do not feed wild animals, especially ones that weigh three times as much as you do.

You could tell the flash player was just waiting. Kept crouching for no reason and then low and behold, suddenly​ knows all the advanced combos and supers? Shenanigans, plain and simple. If it wasn’t staged then it was a hustle. Like the episode of Fresh prince where Uncle Phil destroys that guy playing pool.

Pence is NOT a Catholic. Pence is an evangelical. They are very different things. I would think most Catholics would be opposed to the most of the politics of the evangelical extremists like Pence.

Weird Al is the greatest. That would have been legit.

Yes, our speaker was excellent as well. I graduated in Comparative Literature, and this wonderful man (whose name I sadly cannot recall) said: Graduating in Comparative Literature indicates that you are fluent in at least two languages. Congratulations. You are now on the level of an average three year-old in any part…

I didn’t go to my college graduation ceremony but I would have gone to this one just to walk out on Pence.

Air Force should send him a bill for scrambling those F-22s

This is precisely why I elected *not* to compete in the Rio Olympics.

This is something that has snuck up on me the past couple of years, but: I think LeBron is the best basketball player of all time. I think Michael Jordan (up to this point)has had the best basketball career. Does this distinction make sense?

I figure blowhards and fuckups are distributed more or less evenly throughout the population, so in any family of a given size, you’re likely to have at least one such uncle. Unless he’s everybody else’s uncle, which means he’s actually your dad.

It’s not, it’s just hard to argue that against well paid lawyers.

Okay, so here’s my theory. We will see how it pans out.

For Mayweather’s sake, I don’t know why you even bothered to write anything down.

I grew up listening to Rush on KFI (more stimulating talk radio!) in the car with my mother, and the only thing that would make me happier than someone finding his dead bloated body partially eaten by cats would be if Dr Laura was also dead and they were in a compromising sexual situation.

Remember when we used to spend our time making fun of George W. Bush for being dumb? W is a goddamn Fields Medal winner compared to Trump.

#TakeBackThursday

Yes! #ThursdayNotTrumpsday, #LiveEveryDayLikeItsThursday, #TrumpWho?, #ImWithHerNotHim, #DearChristNoTrumpTalkToday...something. I am DRAINED.

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a great honor to meet you finally. Great country you have here. Not the best country. But great murals of you and your dad and your dad’s dad. Very thinning.

If fast food really kills you, why do you never see dead people eating fast food? 100% of fast food is consumed by the living. BOOM CHECKMATE