From Variety's review of 50 Shades of Grey, which may be the single greatest line of a review ever: "Unsurprisingly for a movie with this particular control/submit dynamic, the usual gender-based double standard prevails: plenty of Johnson, but only a fleeting glimpse of johnson."

As I say to every gentleman caller who visits my residence late at night,

Offended. Not surprised. Does peen even exist?!

I'm offended as well. I think there should be more dong in movies. Seeing a 10 foot penis on the screen would help inspire my own penis to reach for the stars. It currently just sits between my legs all day and doesn't do anything. Why am I carrying this fool? He needs to earn his keep. Legs earn it, arms earn it, why…

To be fair, Johnson was probably not totally nude either - the link didn't say whether she was wearing a merkin-with-pubic-hair, although that seems likely (if for no reason other than sanitary ones).

dads vender oncee said the reason why he went fully nude for shame was because he grew up with his mom being like 'why does the girl get nude and the guy keeps his pants on WTF!' And michael was like 'you're right. That's totally unfair! Why do I get a free pass and the chick doesn't!'

Is one of the symptoms an otherworldly orange glow?

Wait...so they got Dakota Johnson to go full nude, but the dude had in his contract that he wouldn't show peen? I'm...surprisingly offended by this.

I am legitimately surprised it wasn't Rihanna making out with a blonde model.

I'm friends with some lovely people who know him well (they publish his poetry and got very close), and according to them (and me, who's met him a few times, briefly) he is a deeply good person, in addition to being a total badass in many ways. I'm so happy I saw this post because I was inexplicably not following him…

I'm Liz Lemon levels of happy.

It really does look terrible. And, I'm probably going to go see it in theater and love it anyway.

The plot looks objectively terrible.

I have to take a stand against the whole "superstitious" part. The far left are trying to make anti-vaxxers Christian religious nuts but that couldn't be further from the truth. Anti-vaxxers aren't religious. Nor are they anti-religious. Religion has nothing to do with it. In fact, the Bible belt has a better…

This is the most sobering statement that I have read in a long time.

Agreed. Also, if "girl has consensual sex and is tormented so endlessly and cruelly that she kills herself" is a common story, THAT IS A PROBLEM.* It's not old news. It's an urgent issue that should be talked about and publicized endlessly, because obviously we are doing something wrong as a society and we need to be…

Why is there an article dedicated to one girls suicide? Thousands of people commit suicide every year. What is so unique about this one? A girl has sex with multiple boys, someone films it, she is harassed at school, and kills herself. We have heard it all before.

This actually made me laugh out loud.

No, clearly the contract was delivered upside down.

Breach of contract, not breech.