Their hands are actually really weak. They’re trying so hard to be a serial killer but just can’t quite make it work

Keaton is gonna be in this movie for like seven minutes, and the internet will burn down from the rage

I am desperate to believe that it isn’t because so many in my age group thought he was hot when we were 12 and Pirates of the Caribbean came out.

Anybody else notice that like 90% of their contacts who are rabidly anti-Heard are women? The fuck is that about? I have a family who’s intensely progressive, very pro #MeToo, etc, and she’s like, sharing domestic violence jokes? Screaming for Heard’s blood? Huh??

I really like Elle Fanning, but Anya Taylor Joy is just so far up there you can’t compare them like this dude

I was not going to, but huh

Thank you! Everybody on that show sucks. Really weird that people singled out that character in particular in a whole deck of annoying assholes

I keep trying to want to watch this, but I still haven’t finished the fuckin Boba Fett show, and the thought of watching this is e x h a u s t i n g to me. I just don’t really believe Star Wars is supposed to be a gigantic sprawling thing, and it just doesn’t warrant all these spin-offs and sequels.

Nope, didn’t need this 

Is Pinocchio going to be all CGI? This could be cool and actually halfway worth making if it involved real puppetry.

I consider those cheese singles to be an entirely separate food. I reeeeeally like them (what can I say, I was raised by white midwesterners) but as their own thing. I don’t put them on sandwiches hardly ever, and I would NEVER put them in a grilled cheese or quesadilla, but they sure are yummy

Why are baby carrots paltry? They’re great. We should do more with food waste. 

Great piece, strongly agree, but I don’t love that it taught me how dumb the plural of “oasis” is.

These motherfuckers popped bottles of champagne when they found out how many kids died right before this event. They’re so goddamn excited. Their numbers haven’t looked this good since Sandy Hook. 

If your favorite part of Jurassic Park 2 was when a girl kicks a velociraptor out a window, well we’ve got a movie where Idris Elba punches a lion in the face

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEW CHOMET!!!!

How I go through life like...this? By getting two names mixed up because that’s how it was reported in the thing I read? I dunno, by...thinking about it less than 1% of 1% of 1% of my time and having a life fuller than one piece of celebrity gossip I saw like two years ago? What a weird thing to say. 

The “good guys” with guns yesterday didn’t do shit. They ran and hid and left those kids and their teachers to their own devices. They were not just the magical gun heroes Fox News fantasizes about, they were also fucking cops, so double magical heroes. Worthless pieces of shit. 

“Don’t use adjectives in your reviews!!”

Find me a more exhausting phrase than “17 best moments from season 47"