Before I was famous, I was the girl on the heel with the guitar.

He's not wrong about them both being crimes. But he can get fucked if he thinks having words you wrote released to the public is as bad as having photos of your naked body leaked to the public.

I enjoyed where this one went, and how quickly it got there: "Anyway, fuck those mountain climbers. Fuck 'em all."

I'm going to keep my eye on this post's comment section. I have a feeling it will provide me with much entertainment.

Dammit. I read the headline as "Teenage Party Theft" and went out to find this John Mulaney routine, complicated by the fact I couldn't remember the name "John Mulaney". (I literally had to Google "as a proud Asian American woman comedian" to find it.) And then I reread it and see its about shoplifting.

I've never shoplifted, but I did start working at the mall the day after I turned 16. I got $45 for every shoplifter I helped catch or 5% of what they stole (whatever was bigger). It was the only thing that made the job (jewelry) interesting. Aside from the money I enjoyed watching the teenagers cry like two year olds…

She lives in Austria. THE POWER OF HER SIDE-EYE TRAVERSES THE OCEAN. #respect

OMG YOU GUYS. Best email ever from my mother.

No, these are two entirely different forms! The African lady has the Steely Gaze of Righteous Maternal Indignation (what we side-eye scientists call SGoRMI). A look that says "did you just track mud onto my floor/take the lord's name in vain/say you want to quit school?". Like Jack's uncooperative nanny in 30 Rock…

Agreed! Plus she's pregnant. I feel like messing with pregnant ladies will get you, at the very least, some side eye.

She's so freaking nice and gracious all the time. She deserves a hint of "fuck you, I'm a duchess" once in a while.

Neither can she!

here in Paris public facilities are not always segregated by gender

For half a second I read that as "Anus burger" and guffawed.

Yep, McDonald's problem is they are too conservative. "Here's a cheeseburger but with a different part of the cow". I'm sure most McDonald's customers aren't going there because they wanted an Angus burger. They just want some maybe meat with some not really cheese on top....and a diet soda.

My pup Buster had a growth on his nose removed last week (benign, thank god). Because of where it was, they had to put him completely under, and he was SO stoned that night. Sadly, though, it wasn't the fun kind of stoned—he was just confused and scared and in pain. All he wanted to do was cuddle with me with as much…

When my dog was super stoned after he was de-nutted, he kept walking back and forth from under the table because he wanted to feel the table cloth run over his face. He also spent 20 minutes licking the screen door.

"to keep the people who pay you a lot of money later happy?

No, I am not going to do that. I'm sorry.

How To Sprinkle Some Iodized Salt On A Slice Of White Bread And Nibble It While Holding Your Nose: A Guide For Ninnies Who Are Afraid Of Anchovies, And, More Broadly, Things That Are Good