Because you’re the type of guy who thought Jek Porkins was going to make it through the assault on the Death Star.

But make no mistake, if the Cubs ever DO win the world series, we Cub fans will become the most insufferable dickbags you can imagine. I just know it, and I don’t care.

$50 says STL’s will be the only article suggesting why readers shouldn’t root for them.

Anyone who’s seen the 30 for 30 on Steve Bartman will join me in saying fuck these fans. There’s nothing cute about mob intimidation.

Don’t forget, he was, like, the size of three current Drews when that happened!

Every time I see that GIF I think “wow...and there’s a woman in this world who let that guy fuck her without a condom on purpose no less than three times” and it gives me hope for a brighter world for every man.

Since they are in Boston, 30% of the Red Sox fanbase are pretentious academics who believe rooting for their local team is some sort of intellectual exercise that all smart people must agree with because of some convoluted argument. “You MUST support the Red Sox! They are the perfect embodiment of Baseball! Blah,…

As a Cubs fan I of course want them to win. But more than anything, please please please don’t let the Cardinals win.

Would this man steer you wrong?*

That segment followed by the awkward local food segment back at the location shot was probably the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever witnessed on ESPN.

Don’t disparage the boot! That’s a bootable offense!

Wait a minute, this could be an intriguing parity idea - what if we only gave guns to *bad* QBs? Of course it’d probably just result in Eli Manning shooting his own foot off, but at this point that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Warner, Kitna, Delhomme, Brad Johnson, Scott Mitchell, Jay Fiedler, Shaun Hill, Kelly Holcomb, Jim Miller, and Doug Pederson.

At the very least, they have committed a rash of bootable offenses.

Kosar. And the eighties had more than 2-3 great QBs. Montana, Elway, Moon, Fouts, Kelly. Are they elite? Only the football gods know.

Didn’t Bernie Kozar play for the Ravens when they were in Cleveland?

Give the quarterback a fucking gun.

“Australia hasn’t YET shown us the ‘community spirit’ we had hoped for, or the produce to be honest…which sounds lame but it is important to us.

Genny Cream is a marketing ploy to sell the foamy runoff downstream from the Bausch & Lomb and Kodak buildings.

That same team also let Mike Singletary coach them for at least 2 years.