More like petulant, narcissistic man-child (at best). I swear, he wears all those ratty scarves and a hundred necklaces and rings and gross hats to detract from the fact that he’s a middle aged man. But we know.

“A little lost boy”?!?

Wonderful!

I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING

Only a handful of staff. That poor woman - how DOES she do it?

Well, he did transport a minor across state lines for the purposes of rape-related marriage. I’m amazed they didn’t go with human trafficking charges.

Or a meteor. I’m not super-picky.

We are so overdue for a plague

“Instead of being like, ‘Thank you very much, Mr. Trump,’ or ‘Trump did a good job,’ everyone’s saying, ‘Who got it? Who got it? Who got it?’ And you make me look very bad,” Trump complained, taking on reporters in the room. “I have never received such bad publicity for doing such a good job.”

That was the weirdest press conference I’ve ever seen outside of the context of a gay sex scandal from a family values candidate.

Did he circle the dollar amount on the checks in gold Sharpie?

It’s like when you’re 12 and your mom told you to clean your room before she got home from work. You obviously spend all day not doing it and then spring to frantic action shoving all your crap in your closet the second you hear your garage door open.

“I never said six!”

Security guards on the Depp payroll, I'm assuming. Okay.

Both guards say Johnny was at least 20 feet away from her.

Cool, so the security guard assaulted himself, the hotel room trashed itself, Winona Ryder misremembered things to Natalie Portman, Kate Moss ripped up photos of herself in a fit of jealousy, all those beers drank themselves and then went on television and drunkenly stumbled through that speech, the car drove itself…

“paid up to $35,000 for seminars to learn about the billionaire’s real estate investment strategies”

One is supposed to come out a year from now. I'm guessing Depp is going to be forced into rehab sometime in the next week.

At least there is a chance that we’ve seen the end of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise

One has to wonder how many of Disney’s top executives have spent their Memorial Day weekend in an emergency meeting.