Guys, opening this up to Deadspin readers really makes a mockery of the process. I hope you're pleased with yourselves; you're clearly just doing this for the attention.

The results are kind of mesmerizing, although not without the occasional unfortunate swastika.

Looks like his suspension is the only thing he has had difficulty swallowing.

Gosh, I don't think a judge could overturn this if his life depended on it.

Suspension or no suspension, he doesn't seem to be missing any plate appearances.

If you're a Packers fan like me, you learn to respect him.

Michael Jordan may be a big fan of beer pong (because he cheats at it)

Where the fuck were you living? A closet? Earning $1250, spending $540 of that on food and still being able to live alone in Vancouver?

True. I think self esteem is of critical importance and value, but it must be REAL. By that, I mean that it must be earned through genuine accomplishment: mastering a skill, reaching a desired goal, etc. The way to help isn't to fake it, it's to help create opportunities where children can reasonably succeed at…

Um, duh. This is why we should stop giving trophies to the losing teams.

Don't be mad at him. He only [insert punchline here] yesterday.

Yo soy unemployment!

That's a strikethrough, because I originally said 10-3. I corrected it to 10-7. But thank you for your helpful comment.

That is the face of an idiot who is so proud of himself.

You really have some bad eyes.

If you think this father-of-the-year candidate is treating his son like a slave, you should see what he's dragging behind the truck.

Leftover wine? I'm unfamiliar with this concept...

Gods. Timing! I just finished three days of cramming for my designation test.