I'm actually eating straight from a tub of frosting with a spoon while I read this.

Reading about Amal Clooney is a study in contradictions between my life and hers. I'm toiling away as a lawyer in public service, wearing a sweater that I spilled coffee on for the umpteenth time and checking my online dating websites for potential non-creepy emails from dudes that might not serial murder me if I meet…

Lost my sympathy with "premium passenger" as I am a base model passenger. Use your cajillion dollars and charter a flight, you big baby.

I guess I should have shown up E to the A to the E A R L I E R

Plenty of seating on the Waaaaa-mbulance.

I THOUGHT HIRING AN EXPENSIVE LAWYER MEANT THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES

My dog once ate a whole wheel of cheese. She then went to every toilet in the house (which was two, in fairness), drank all the water out of both of them, all the water out of her bowl, and then went out the back door and vomited watery cheese down the porch steps for about 5 minutes. She also ate an entire chocolate…

My dog figured out how to open the refrigerator on her own. I came home and she had completely cleared out $200 worth of groceries, and was lying on the kitchen floor surrounded by the remains of her kill, too stuffed to even get up and go hide under the bed. The butter tub was licked clean, literally everything…

Yeah. My dog has a really sad, debilitating problem where she can't hear at night. Because I'll tell her to get off the bed when she's stealing blankets and she can't even hear it, the poor dear.

Message to Adrian Peterson: FUCK YOU and your stupid fucking Bible verses. Shove them up your fucking ass.

The NFL as a whole is going to reverse the Earth Superman-style if they keep up this record amount of backpedaling.

Ah! I might poop in that bag and set it on fire on their porch and ring the doorbell.

A friend of mine was stopped at a red light when the occupants of a car in the next lane threw a bag of trash out their window. My friend hopped out of her car, scooped up the trash and knocked on the passenger side window. A startled man lowered it and my friend handed him the trash, saying, "Here you go. You dropped…

I've been to the doctor fat, and I've been to the doctor thin, and I think the biggest difference is in the default assumptions they have made when I walk in.