He moves back to Philadelphia and Carton’s kids get in trouble with the Crips and have to move East to live with him.

Funny thing, Satan didn’t want equal rights. He wanted to be recognized as being higher than humans ... better.

Kids are ridiculously literal and I love it (until they’re teenagers and then it turns into, “Well you didn’t say I couldn’t do (thing adjacent to something they’re not supposed to do)“). 

THANK YOU.

I got arrested once (don’t worry about it) and the booking officer entered my name completely wrong. As in, a completely different last name.

It’s nice of the FBI to make it so easy to avoid the lighters they’ve tapped!

This is the best teen urban legend I have never heard until now 😂

This feels like a teenage conspiracy theory, like when my ex-boyfriend told me the FBI taps white lighters and that’s why you shouldn’t buy them. (Brah, why do you think the FBI gives a fuuuuck what you’re doing? You’re a 16-year-old gas station attendant in Michigan.)

I take melatonin when I’m on a bad sleep stretch and I ALWAYS have very vivid celebrity dreams. Last week I dreamt that Ron Swanson was building me a table. The dream was very detailed, we talked back and forth about specifications and went to the lumber store. I woke up tired, that dream was hard work.

Also, for some people the sink is their washing machine. Also, the wind is their dryer.

I’m always angered when I look at Dax Shepard, but then I realize I’m really angry at Dane Cook.

I dunno. In general you’re absolutely right, but unloading some of the Trump states is looking mighty appealing right now.

Yeah - I don’t see anything about it that’s any different from a hundred such memos posted across companies daily. “Stuff is changing, here’s some empty positive-sounding fluff about the whole thing, also I’m still rich”.

Anyone who is appalled by the tone of this email is adorably inexperienced when it comes to receiving emails from the executive leadership down to middle management and below. The genre is always self-congratulatory and filled with ‘team wins’ that mean nothing to the recipients, but the execs feel like ‘sharing the…

It might keep “How YOU doin’?” guys away.

Well, SOME Republicans are old-school enough to understand that there is such a thing as “cost cutting spending.” Which is basically spending some money now to save money down the line. Like say, oh, lead remediation - yes, you have to spend up front now, but the costs you save in things like medical costs, supportive…

They self-destruct when they are in power because they cannot help themselves. Same thing happened in 2006. It’s easy to be the party of no and complain about things— it’s another thing to implement policy.

I live in SC, so I am well aware of Mulvaney’s dickhead moves, but this might be a new low.  Does he think that Meals on Wheels should turn a profit?