Yes. I’m only allowed to complain about one thing per year, and this is my thing.

Ted Cruz: Duck Hunt is, at least, phonetically accurate.

Panton told Jezebel in an emailed statement. “Ted and I had many mutual friends who would usually stop by to watch movies, play video games, or even engage in long, fun discussions about politics, philosophy, and life.”

Unrelated:

“at least Cosby knocked his victims out b4 he raped them.”

Consider yourself spared.

This. A thousand times this.

I lived in Times Square for many years, and for those rare NYEs that I DID stay in the area, the best part was going up to the roof, listening to everyone doing the cheering and counting down... then taking a sip of champagne and going back into my apartment to use the bathroom JUST BECAUSE…

When I was growing up my parents went to the local pound and got us a dog. We loved that dog. Then, when he died, we went and got another dog from the pound. While it didn’t make us forget our first dog, we loved that dog too.

Thank you :/ I now have my first dog as an adult, and he gets all the love.

My dad convinced me and my sisters that “Resident” was a small, hairy person that lived under our house, which was built on a raised foundation. We put all our junk mail on the ground by the foundation’s vent hole, and would get so excited when it was gone next time we checked. “Resident came!”

I’m the liar.

I attended a fundamental baptist middle school (ankle length jean skirts, chapel, no pop music, etc) and I distinctly remember a “science” class where they had to do some major mental gymnastics to support a literal biblical interpretation of science. Fossils are a lie from Satan, carbon dating is a trick by…

I was 10, which means my older sister was 13. I saw her and mom in the bathroom together a lot. And I was all WTF is this about? And more importantly, what am I missing out on?

My dad told me that cows have shorter legs on one side than the other, so that they can stand on hills and not fall down. He also told me that the leaves he was smoking were “Turkish Tobacco.”

That my mother was a magical princess. That all of her old ‘80s bridesmaid dresses were her old princess getup. That she had a crystal ball to keep tabs on us when she was at work. I was very, very touched and inspired that she “married down” for love, and admired her magnanimous toleration of her pushy mother-in-law…

For some weird reason, my father told me that if you cut off your belly button, your butt would fall off. This fucking fascinated me, and I would spent way too much time thinking about what the inner workings of the human body could possibly be to make sure a thing happen.

1) I’ll probably vote for Hillary Clinton for a number of reasons, even though I dig Bernie and what he’s doing for lefty politics.

Here’s the thing.

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was…

Can I raise a motion to never include Seth MacFarlane in Tweet Beat ever again?