Rockstar: “GTA Fans, what would you like in a GTA remaster?”

Assuming season 5 of Stranger Things gets split into two volumes, like season 4, AITOO who would rather Netflix release the show in weekly increments? I had to marathon both volumes of season 4 in one day, because a whole army of assholes chose to upload spoilery screencaps and videoclips of the show to social media…

I’m.... skeptical. The weakest part of these recent Legendary Godzilla movies, IMHO, is the human characters. It feels like with Godzilla vs Kong they finally figured out that people don’t watch these movies because of the human characters — they watch these movies because they want to see giant CG monsters trying to…

Merrick Garland, get off your ass and do something about this now. NOW. How many more smoking guns do you need? 

Me before watching every episode of Barry this season: “Ooh, boy! I can’t wait for the latest episode about this wacky hitman!”

Financial Advisor: “Hey, Anthony. I’ve come up with an easy way for you to make money.”

Warner Bros dealing with Ezra Miller:

I’ve seen the rumors about this remake for a couple months now, and the common defense was “It’s not a cash-grab remaster. Sony & Naughty Dog are remaking the game entirely from scratch. No shared assets. No repurposed character models or animations. It’s 100% new, with new missions, new characters, new settings, and…

I remember two years ago, when Jedi Fallen Order came out and got unexpectedly good reviews, I walked into a GameStop on launch day morning to get a copy, and they wouldn’t sell me one. “We only have copies for people who preordered.” So I walked across the parking lot, where there’s a Target, and they had plenty of…

Republicans when Democrats are in charge: “Hey! You aren’t allowed to criticize my opinions or personal life choices! This is ‘Murica! And in ‘Murica I can do and say whatever I want without being cancelled! Cancel culture is against the law! Yeah! It’s one of those amendment things, in the constitertian! Thou shalt…

Famous Asshole: “Hey, look at this funny thing I found, 95 million followers.”

So everybody’s familiar with the “high school bully pulls a prank on a weird loner by making them think they’re cool” trope, right? Kinda like in Carrie, where all the cool kids wrote-in Carrie’s name for prom queen, and then they dumped a bucket of blood on her?

Creature designer: “So here’s this alien I designed from scratch. In addition to his unique visual design, I’ve also given him a backstory. He comes from a race of aliens whose planet has extremely heavy gravity, so the bones in their skeletons are extremely thick and strong. When they first acquired space travel,…

I’m amazed at how quickly Morbius became a “so bad it’s good” movie. I remember during its opening weekend, somebody forwarded one of those fake Martin Scorsese “This is Cinema” memes to Tyrese, and he thought it was real and posted it to his instagram:

I am shocked at how many IPs the Lonely Island guys and Disney were able to get permission to use in this movie. Sonic the Hedgehog, Batman, LEGO, Transformers, Fast & Furious, ET. I mean, damn.

Prospective buyer: “Hmmmm... has your company won any awards?”

Let’s add one more tally to the “Ted Cruz accidentally calls his wife ugly” count.

This is exactly how The Sixth Sense and The Crying Game got spoiled for me. Thanks a lot, Monopoly.

When Gaetz says he doesn’t like “over-educated” women, he just means he doesn’t date women who’ve graduated middle school.

1999: “Well, the beanie baby market just collapsed, but at least I’ve got a garage full of stuffed animals I can give to a homeless shelter.”