Wait wait wait. Your friends cooked/cleaned/did laundry for their boyfriends before they even lived together? Like while they were visiting their boyfriends’ houses? What the frack??  Is that normal?  

My girlfriends thought I was crazy, but this is why I never, ever cooked for men I dated. I didn’t want to start those expectations. I never did vacuumed or did laundry or whatever at a house I didn’t live in for clothes that weren't mine. I always made sure to keep domestic duties separate.

So what you’re saying is that string theory proves that molecules can’t melt steel Benghazi’s but will give you COVID in a pizza parlor?

911 MHz?

48% isn’t enough. And it isn’t 48%, because the majority of Texans don’t vote at all. I’m not picking specifically on Texas but after the whirlwind of behavior from the entire Republican party resulting in more seats in the house and retaining most of their Senate seats, this dumbfuck nation made the message clear:

idk, man, if you threaten someone on the internet you should have to face some consequences like your ISP disconnects you for a year and your phone plan caps at 1MB/month. I just can’t fathom behaving so horribly toward another person.

When you catch Covid, you lose your sense of taste.

Anagrams of her name include Americans Lose & Ceremonial Ass

They voluntarily went to an event that was purposely not following guidelines.  They have no right to be angry, but we have every right to call them FUCKING STUPID. 

He did it on purpose to make Biden look bad.

Did anyone think he wasn’t going to fuck this up? It’s just so on brand for him. 

I remember looking up his politics and being a little worried beforehand, but it makes sense that having spent so much time in other countries—appreciating them, studying them, and consciously trying to keep an open mind about their customs, traditions, and values—his political views are at least somewhat liberal.

Why do they all look like a version of Ann Coulter? If I see any more straight, blonde hair, I am going to shoot myself.

On top of a pile of money and privilege, secure in the knowledge that consequences are for the little people.

Noooooo! It’s all extensions and aquanet. You can do better! 

People are fucking morons. If I’ve learned anything in the last 10 months/4 years, it’s that people I see out, you know, driving cars and holding down jobs and raising kids are living in a completely different world than the one I’m living in, because they’re stupid. I wish I had a kinder attitude about it, but holy…

Look, I know community theater is a long way from the heady days of SNL, but I, for one, am just happy that Victoria Jackson found work.

No. No we can’t.

My mom once made gingerbread cookies so toxic even the squirrels wouldn't eat them in the middle of a terrible midwestern winter.

One year when I was a teenager, my family decided to try and deep fry a turkey. They let the enormous vat of oil heat up on our porch for HOURS, convinced that it wasn’t hot enough because it wasn’t boiling. (You have to put something in hot oil to see the bubbles!) Finally they fried the thing, it was delicious, but…