OR JUST BE PALE THATS OKAY TOO JOIN OUR COVEN IN THE SHADE WITH THE SPF30

Kind of. We had a comic artist make our ketubah, and he inked our dog into the border:

The helicopter mom has landed. ;)

YOU GUYS, DO NOT COUNT OUT WET N WILD JUST BECAUSE IT’S SO CHEAP!

thoughts:

Do u think the dude that shot him in the face recognized him and that’s why he shot him?

“Kylie has always been so insecure about her lips, since she was a little girl,”

You sound like a real charmer yourself, though. How do you do it? How are you so empathetic and beguilingly sweet? I must know.

My mom is a transplanted Midwestern lady living in a small island town in south Texas. There are a lot of great stories I could tell about her (she was briefly Mormon because the only church within walking distance of her family’s farm was a Mormon temple and then she got a scholarship to BYU and, as she likes to tell…

I was trying to think of a best, but I couldn’t, so I’m just going with badass-est.

You are not a piece of shit.

I have always loathed this “holiday,” but now that I have my own children I tolerate it. They give me Nutella and let me sleep in, and in return I work to make them feel all the love, support, and acceptance that was sorely missing from my childhood.

My mother is an alcoholic, compulsive-spender-hoarder narcissist. I finally went no contact with her last year and this will be my first mother’s day not acknowledging her. It’s tough because there is always an innate desire to please, to be a good person to your mother. But when it just gets thrown in your face and…

Hey Jezzies.

My mom tried to run me over with her car at Christmas and I have only spoken to her once since then. And somehow I feel like the piece of shit in this whole situation.

Today, my friend who is 24 and unmarried but with a very serious boyfriend (doesn’t matter but whatever) went to her gynecologist to look into getting an IUD. Her doctor told her that they did not give the IUD to people unless they were married because there is “such a high risk of infection” as in STDs. My friend…

Fight that omnipresent male beauty industry, dadbods! Burn your bras! Take back the night!

Every mention of Louis CK around here somebody says they’d bang him in a heartbeat. If anybody can think of a female equivalent I’ll buy them lunch.

Dad Bod expectations:

Uhhh, excuse the fuck out of me, but I look goddamn fantastic in a maxi dress. You can pry them from my cold dead hands.