And fat thighs. 3/10. Would not bang.

It's positively Radixulous.

We've already started. Hell, what did you think was in all that Hormel Black Label Bacon™?

Damn spider appeasers. First you give them a little corner on your deck, then you ignore their webs in your garage. That's how it starts, but pretty soon they're crawling into your ear and laying eggs on your brain.

Where do they get those tiny Guy Fawkes masks?

These spiders are a menace! J. Jonah Jameson was right all along!

You'll be paid in college credits at School the University.

"Laugh if you want, but keeping up this level of failure for four years isn't going to easy."

*Grizzly bear appears on Sarah Palin's Alaska, child immediately shoots television*

They look like they're cosplaying as rainbow sherbet.

I prefer Sleeve Haters Monthly. I say I read it for the articles, but it's mostly for the centerfold.

On that last one, you mean Sir Reginald Wifebeater IV?

Invest in ear plugs.

You've convinced me. Elmore Elgort it is.

Ansel Elgort is an appropriate name for someone working in a mad scientist's laboratory. Not the mad scientist himself, mind you. More of a mad lab assistant.

No no, that's Baby-Dick Driver.

That's true. The entire courtroom segment of that movie is the most egregious fantasy that it presents. But I would argue that everything that leads up to that sequence was informed by the TV series. It's pretty much a movie determined from the beginning to prove that Ness brought down Capone, reality be damned.

I wouldn't blame De Palma entirely. He was adapting a TV series that already bought into the Ness PR fantasy more than 20 years earlier. It's just that Ness publicly took way more credit than he deserved, which led to a whole myth around his role in the Capone prosecution, which I think probably would have survived…

Most movies suffer a severe lack of Charles Grodin.

Titled Ness, the movie will be based on Brian Michael Bendis and Marc Andreyko’s graphic novel Torso, which chronicled Ness’ attempt to capture a torso-chopping serial killer in Cleveland in the years after bringing down Al Capone.