The only reason he joined Twitter is because someone told him he could block people.

Yeah, I don’t understand what he’s complaining about. He made the bet (apropos of nothing, so far as I can tell), allowed York to change the terms of the bet after winning, then went and honored his commitment (presumably without complaining to York).

I will never not star a Ray Lewis murdered two people joke. Well done!

The wine. It’s always the wine.

Never forget that rich people are terrible.

Pfft, that’s nothing, I've stuck people with far worse.

-Ray Lewis.

Bobby finger looks like Ryan Gosling with AIDS

Incidentally, MY dong’s nickname is the Green Monster.

It’s Massachusetts. He probably thought the telephone poll was talking shit.

I don’t mind the Subarus’ but if we are gonna dish on insurance commercials. I hate progressive and Flo. I want to slap the beehive right off her head.

But how else am I going to do all those fun things with my old dog before I kill him?

No one cares you whiny little bitch.

damn it. nowhere in the email did it say anything about needing a wire transfer for a flight from Utah to Miami

Knocking on wood. It’s my one real superstition. Any time I say anything that may tempt fate, I have to knock wood.

I knock on wood CONSTANTLY. I can’t help it. I fully believe if I don’t, the thing will happen.

My Dad’s absolute favorite thing to say in the car to this day is any time we drive by a cemetary: “Look guys! (points) People are just DYING to get in there!”

I will never shit in a Taco Bell for fear it will become the beans.

I like to defecate through a chain-link fence on a warm summer day before I cut the grass at my neighbor’s house. That’s not really a superstition, but it is something that I do.

I have a 2010 Chevy Suburban with several cracks in the dash. Sadly this is known design flaw by GM and common for all GM trucks (Tahoe, Suburban, Escalade, 1500, 2500, 3500, Avalanche) from 07-13. The dash crack most concerning is located around the passenger airbag. I fear that if the airbag is deployed, 1/4 “ in…

To take advantage of a Recall you must get your ass to Mars, terribly inconvenient.