You know what else inspires murder? Infinite scrolling.

Read the headline, hoped Casey Affleck was dead.

You know, I’m more of a cat person — but not THAT much of a cat person.

Say it with me:

I just made uncomfortable eye contact with my dogs-it’s like they knew what I was reading about

They were puppies.

“Is This What Parties Are Like Now?”

HOLD ON: In what state is bestiality “technically legal?” Whaaat. No. That needs to be fixed.

rudely described as a “pensioner,”

The way all those toothpastes keep ranting about white being better, it was only a matter of time! ;-)

If we’re too stupid to use toothpaste correctly and without making a mess, how are we ever going to solve our more serious problems in this country?

Even with a twist on cap, I store my toothpaste top down. Frees up counter space. Also how does one look at that LARGE FLAT BOTTOM SURFACE and think: this is a thing that goes on its side?

Sensodyne all damn day you guys. Why do the other brands even exist? It makes your teeth hurt less, it tastes nice, it comes in multiple varieties (current: the whitening ‘repair’ formula, dentist recommended) and it’s PASTE, not goop.

Guys...guys you’re supposed to stand the toothpaste on the FLAT BOTTOM like it’s designed to be stored...the tension keeps the lid on...it’s not that hard.

My toothpaste joined the Alt Right and started harassing people on Twitter with Pepe the Frog memes. But so far it’s held off on the death threats.

If it stops production of more seasons of House Of Cards, it may be worth losing everything else in exchange.

In related news, I have another reason to get rid of cable.

If he starts writing blogs about squats being bad or Chobani being good, then we’ll know he’s been taken and replaced.

HamNo, if the execs have you tied up in some Univision blacksite, just type the word “Moose Farts”.

everyone with a Facebook feed or a twitter account is now a journalist - you can relax and go back to writing about yogurt.