Instead of this, everyone should just go watch Rapturepalooza on Netflix. You're welcome.

The more details surface regarding Bironas's death, the weirder this story gets.

I never realized being from the Midwest was a race.

For those of you who don't know what Francis Slay looks like, this is him:

The rules can change when the black man in question is helping State U win ballgames. It's pretty obvious that the police investigation didn't look very motivated or vigorous. That fact isn't doing Winston any favors if he's really innocent, either.

You sound like someone who doesn't listen to much Bill Simmons. He's pompous because he writes long articles? You think the "fuckin' bullshit" is the final nail in the coffin, though the vast majority of BS Report podcasts - and all of Grantland's podcasts - have at least a couple of bleeps?

To be fair, Jim Harbaugh is ALWAYS the asshole, no matter the situation.

Two different four-year-old sons? If only AD's father had hit him in the scrotum with a switch.

Apparently you don't speak Reddit/MRA.

We live on a river so the poop is immediately carried away to . . . uh . . . someone else's beach.

A very confused Bengals front office immediately offered him a five-year, $100 million contract.

See, to me, this article is actually really ideal — it basically functions as a callout of all the over the top fear-based articles that are drumming up paranoia elsewhere. It communicates a ton of information in a lot more detail than you're likely to see in mainstream coverage, and the takeaways seem, to my eyes, to…

Don't you see guys (only the fellas can understand such complicated logic, amirite thomsrantrain), men are just better at some things (more like all things, amirite thomasrantrain). We're smarter, stronger, and more adept at collecting foul balls. Having a woman (ew, even the word is inferior, amirite thomasrantrain)…

they are excessive. I feel like if I read any more of these I'm gonna have to leave with a leg cramp.

As a published novelist myself, I can say with conviction: I would pugilize this ersatz gentleman into semantic nihility.

I wanted to star it because it made me giggle. Then realized that would make me a liar.

Handcuffed in the back of a moving cop car.

If that was Ann Coulter, it wouldn't just walk out of the room with its hands up. It would have crawled up a wall and traversed the ceiling while shrieking like those monster creatures in The Descent.