Right. As Margaret Atwood says, Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will murder us.

God, that’s horrific. That’s why women are conditioned to give men a “soft no”. Because they’ll fucking murder us otherwise.

Welcome to just about every day in the life of a female brewery employee. “Lemme tell you, young lady, that did you know *Beer A*/*whatever beer style* by *my brewery*/*general beer knowledge you can get from Google* blah blah blah?” Me: “No that’s not right. Blahhhh...”. Dude: “No, no... I know. I read it on the…

The Tito’s/Tanqueray thing reminds me of this time back in my mid-20s when I went to this party my then-roommate’s friends were throwing. I didn’t really know the people at this party, but there was free booze, so whatever. I’m making random small talk with this dude who, it became quickly apparent, was a total…

Then they really should come to my parties. Me and my friends just push the furniture to the side and dance. We also have a gay dinner talking about our plans of ruining the fabric of American society. Our new book is out:

Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

I’m a little late but here goes. I worked in a Gay Dennys in Arizona and soon after gay marriage became legal, I had the most adorable elderly couple of men, one white, one black. They were seated at the counter and had on these beautiful leis. I asked if I could feel the real flowers and asked what the occasion was.…

I'm not big on sweets. I prefer a nice block of cheese with crackers or pretzels.

No. She squirts it DIRECTLY ON THE TABLE. The kids proceed to finger-paint the entire table with their chicken strips, ketchup, and Splenda concoction.

no fucking in the bathroom? if you havent ridden a big, hard cock while he is sitting on the toilet, you have more to learn than you think.

Oh my god, you kids.

My first husband wasn't very bright. It's never a good idea to cheat on a wife that works for a government agency known for its expertise in spying. Third generation in the same line of work to boot.

In the summer of 2013, I had spent 8 Very Long, Very Hard years in graduate school and was a mere two weeks away from defending my Ph.D. My monogamous husband of 8.5 years went over to visit our closest couple friends' of 5 years house to drink and play video games while I worked on all of my dissertation shit.…

Sure it is. White people have no problem constantly telling black people as a whole to take accountability for other black people. Why can't white people take accountability as a whole for what white people say or do?

Question about this "event". Why do a show to highlight how great you used to be? It's like when the Mets honor the '86 team—only showing off the gulf between present and past.

milk in its natural state is my worst enemy, but cheese is my best friend.

I'm a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.

"They are living, breathing capital letters, walking around with Comic Sans souls and a visible weave."

Back before my face and body submitted to gravity, I spent two years shaking my ass at a relatively 'classy' chain in the south. We had to wear gowns on the floor while cruisin' for customers, and if some of the more *assertive* ladies happened to catch anyone giving extras in the VIP, they would get the shit kicked…

But our artisans* hand craft and oversee every detail** of your new spoonula*** in their rustic, crafters cottage.****