Umm, congrats?

I ruined a leather recliner with my head grease. Wife bought a cover to go with the new one and I am not allowed to sit if the cover is off.

The world has a shitty surprise for you in your early 50s. Your kids are fully baked, you’re at your peak earning period, you have lots of vacation time. “Woo! Let’s take that trip to Europe, and then finally rebuild the Camaro!” And at that exact moment, your parents begin their breakdown, physically and/or…

Maybe it’s a New York thing, but no one goes to funerals except the closest family and friends. That shit is in the morning and no one is burning a vacation day on that.

I know of at least one lifelong New Yorker who couldn’t give less of a shit about Francesa. Every now and then I find myself driving during his show and will put it on when Q104 is playing shit like Billy Joel or Elton John or “Who Can It Be Now” (which for some reason is currently on heavy rotation). It’s like…

Most Italian immigrants came here during the mass wave of the late 18th/early 20th century, before there was really a proper country of Italy. There were dozens of regional dialects/languages that they all brought here. After WW2, Italy standardized their language, while in America immigrants handed down their…

You just described Saturn. My Father in Law bought three cars from them because there was no such bullshit. Here’s the car, here’s the price. We have it in these colors. You like it? Let’s go.

Request submissions; if you do, use my story of the purple 65 Ford station wagon with flame decals and glasspacks exiting the sides that I bought on ebay while drunk (at work, no less!). It was nice learning just how much my wife was willing to put up with.

I guess things don’t change. 30 years ago my very rich friend Mike was getting whatever new car he wanted as a HS graduation present. (Within reason, he wasn’t getting like a Ferrari.) So one day I drove him to a Porsche dealership in Brooklyn. Evidently him in dingy sweats and me in jeans and a Black Sabbath…

This is the stuff I come to Deadspin to read.

All kidding aside, does anyone consider this a serious journalism site? Do they even intend it to be one? I always thought of it as entertainment. I come here for Magary’s poop stories, to look at cars on Jalopnik and read articles about comics on io9, and to make fun of Hamilton Nolan’s left-wing gibberish. …

That would be the best comic book ever. Would totally buy Captain Diarrhea. (Lady Laxatorr? Loostoolia?)

Forget the statue... does no one else find it amazing that they named an airport after a soccer player?

Pantaleo’s use of chokehold has long been in dispute. Just as many people say it was a legitimate takedown.

It’s better than Italian. I learned proper Italian in school, but couldn’t understand a thing my relatives (who came from Naples) or my inlaws (from Sicily) said. They’re not dialects, they’re different languages.

Ooh, I can see how mayo would be great. And yeah, if I have any kind of cheese available I mix some in.

And in New York? Youse. “Youse wanna start off with some drinks?”

I don’t get out to bars much anymore, at least not the young people types. But when I do I amazed. The girls are all dolled up and wearing miniskirts or sun dresses, and heels. And the guys who are there to try and meet them? Baseball caps and flip flops. What the hell is wrong with boys today?

Kraft Mac and Cheese (and Life) Pro Tip: Always add more butter than called for.

There’s a small shop near me that makes all their own ice cream by hand, and you can order a custom cake from them. The ice creams are spectacular and since they are made to order you can put whatever you want on/in the cakes. My go-to is peanut butter bottom layer, half crunchies/half chopped peanuts in the middle,…