I mean ok but what if your mom is like your own personal hitler, such as mine? (I get your point, I just really enjoyed imagining running her over)

OMG NARTWOILE

I’m in your area, and know about this man, assuming it’s the same one. My oldest starts kindergarten in 2020, as well. Let me know if you’d like any local recommendations for good child-care and / or places to drink all the wine.

Combining this and the previous “worst lie ever told” contest, I hereby resubmit my amazing story about being a genius teen:

“Baldercrap.”

- Professor Farnsworth, Futurama.

Yes.

... your dad talks to you? ;) Aw, we’re like Vanessa and Wade in Deadpool. “... you grew up in a house?” I’m actively working on choosing / forcing myself to be happy on my birthday. My method involves snuggling puppies and drinking at least three bottles of wine.

Also, where the fuck IS Lucy?  I admit I haven’t watched this season yet, but it feels like... Lucy was just LEFT at the pound?  Can I have Lucy?  #whereslucy

I’m sorry that there are so many of us. My birthday falls on a typically beautiful spring day, within a few days of Mother’s day, sometimes ON Mother’s day, and I get to think about my wonderful mother, who lovingly and graciously reminded me every year that not only did I ruin her life by being born, I also ruined…

Like, the term “alpha” was originally used to describe female dominance. ... In chickens.

MUCINEX!!!  do i win?  

I hardly see more olives for me qualifying as a problem. :)  And orange juice is gross.  Fight me, Big Orange.

Counterpoint:  If my husband touches my food, I am legally allowed to stab him in the hand.  It’s in the pre-nup.

Someone once told me that two people who both love olives can never last in a relationship.  One must hate olives.  My husband hates olives.  I love them.  Anecdotal wives tale confirmed?

... uh, I have a family of 4 and that’s pretty much what my fridge looks like, but with milk.  for the childrens.

I recently went through something similar on a smaller scale - I’ve been taking Adderall forever, and my psychiatrist recently allowed me to “give ritalin a try” since I am an ADHD catastrophe and sometimes even meds cannot corral my neurotic fireworks. Two days into taking ritalin, I was a complete mess, physically…

Right? Also wouldn’t it be MORE stressful to manage multiple animals on a damn airplane? I’d be so preoccupied with wrangling my pets, social anxiety and the fact that I was attracting attention to myself and bothering people with my support-animal entitlement, that itself would send me into a panic attack. I go…

TERRO ant bait - mostly pet and kid safe, available at home depot.  dishes filled with water and sugar/syrup/anything ants like, with plastic wrap on top with one hole poked into the middle so they can get in, but can’t get out.  diatomaceous earth!  put that shit on everything!  

This is also why you should always plan to have a parts kid in case someone ends up needing an organ.

Ramona’s ugly cry on the bed in Morrocco was hands-down the most uncomfortable, awkward thing I’ve ever seen on television.  Surgical documentaries are less disturbing.