Fuck being gracious, do whatever you need to get through.

This is why my response to catcalling of the "oooo, baby, you look so good" variety to look at them, make a "pssssh" sound, say "You don't", and keep moving*. Because FUCK YOU. If you want to judge me, I'll judge you.

Formaldehyde is also used to preserve the holiday decorations in malls - every Christmas brings a two month exile from my favorite mall because breathing in the chemicals in a contained and crowded place causes me to break out into hives and start choking. Fa la la.

Even though I don't have a baby, I have found that the only thing to stop my lips from cracking/bleeding during the harsh winters is diaper cream. So weird.

Just go buy a new car or a new watch or something that isn't a living creature who will inevitably suffer when you become bored of it.

Ahahahaha, Albert Brooks. Continue to be you, you wonderful human.

Oh god, okay. Having a hand eaten by the garbage disposal is one of my irrational fears.

Beyond being completely ridiculous and narrow-minded, that is goddamn rude! When you go to someone's house you eat what they serve, ffs!

You and I are soulmates. "But it's so great out!" NO NO NO I WANT TO EAT INSIDE DAMMIT.

A friend of mine did that. He got married in Maui and actually paid for us to come to his wedding because he wanted us there (I mean, he's beyond loaded and can afford it but still). We would up using the vacation as a late honeymoon and it was awesome!

Holy fucking shit.

Now, now - think how hard it must be for this stupid woman to be allergic to her own bones!

You turn it on and then stick your hand down the sink?! Isn't that dangerous?

Clean as you go is the only way to cook, yo.

Hmmm. That's really interesting - my husband is the oldest so the theory is definitely true in his case.

Lmao. My husband is the exact same way. He tells the most long, drawn-out stories ever, to the point that everyone eyes have glazed over. Oh, and he tends to repeat stories. Our friends and I have a running bet as to what stories will be repeated ad nauseum when he is senile.

I can't even focus on the stories, I want that rueben NOW. And I don't even eat meat but it looks that good!

I work inside sales with 3 other women (who have been here 34, 27, and 8 years) and one guy (who has been here 3 months). It NEVER FAILS that when someone calls for tech help we get "Um...are you sure you're able to help me?" I realize my vagina is a mental hindrance but YES I'M SURE. We have had men ask if there are…

She isn't "ethnic enough"? WTF does that even mean? Should she be selling oranges on the freeway while eating tacos?