Jar-Jar Biggs was pilloried as an offensive Jewish stereotype, but I thought he really livened up Episode I with his slapstick pie-fucking.

Getting drunk with Bill Cosby is like attending Woodstock—if you say you remember it then you weren't there.

I am going to claim to have never seen Twilight when I pitch my teenage vampire romance.

They play soccer, and when someone calls it soccer they say, "Actually it's football. Real football, not what you Americans call football." And then they tear the guy's throat out with their teeth.

Does Angel show up and say, "Hey, you stole my bit!"

Are these the good vampires or the bad vampires?

Surely jockstraps with built-in cups are the chastity belts of the sports world?

I think we can both agree that RBI (Red Blood Intake) isn't a particularly useful statistic.

Ha. I may have to read these. "Look, turning me into an undead monster with a barely-controllable thirst for human blood is one thing, but now you've gone too far!"

Is the stupidity/abuse just that Bella wants to be a vampire and Edward ends up turning her into one?

I think the premise "Love makes people do stupid, abusive things" is a solid starting point for a vampire movie. But I assume the movie doesn't think the behavior is stupid and abusive?

I haven't read Twilight and, despite recently reading the Wikipedia summary, don't know what "the baseball sequence" is. But now I have all sorts of wonderful guesses that are all going to be wrong.

I mean, come on—everyone knows that Vampire Popes are more of an Eastern Rite phenomenon.

I know! It really got out of hand!

—Joseph Stalin, 22 June 1941

—James Earl Ray, April 5 1968

Tom Cruise wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette Jon Voight Leonardo DiCaprio's children.






NOT LIKE THAT, YOU DEVIANTS!

The sad thing is that it's 2015 and MOLECULA, THE MOLECULAR WOMAN!!! still only earns 80 percent of the salary of MOLECULO, THE MOLECULAR MAN!!!.

See, this is exactly what I'm afraid of.

Yinz go to CMU?