Fuck: the Who
Kill: puppies
Marry: the Superbowl

Fried Foods You Never Thought To Eat Before (Food Network)
19 Kids And The Neighbors Are Calling Social Services (TLC)
Suspicious Looking Moles (Discovery Health)
No Gay Stuff (Spike TV)

"Intimate Portrait: Carrot Top"

LOL

Coming soon: The Situation Bustle! Watch out J Lo, 'cause now Baby's bringing The Situation to her back!

"The Front Butt"
"The Apron"
"Flabmaster Flabby Flab"

Hey! I'm reading Confederates in the Attic right now! It's near-rotten sowbelly that the hardcore reenactors eat; the head dude tells Tony Horwitz, the author, to watch out for any nipples.

Anyone that handsome, even with phony beef ravioli stuffed into his maw, needs to be on the cover of GQ.

Me too, Genital. McDonald's fries haven't been the same since they stopped being utterly bad for you, instead of today's just plain bad.

Rhonda's doing barely-legal porn as we type.

Whatever happened to the day when people claimed to hear God, and then got their breasts cut off, their tongues ripped out, their anuses reamed with a white-hot iron poker, or they had to walk seven miles across broken glass on their knees.

The Wolfman's gonna sink like a burlap bag of puppies in a deep, cold river.

Now that the Supreme Court has lifted the ban on corporate contributions, expect candidates to be running under the Avatar party label in the 2010 elections.

Can't we all appreciate Avatar for at least shoving Twilight: New Moon out of America's multiplexes and collective short-term memory?

Fuck America. Fuck the world. I still ain't seeing it.

I watched Big Love, then Bobby Flay throwin' down on some Belgian waffles and blueberry pancakes, then Iron Chef America and finally a little Rear Window.

I've been saying "CRAP" all this time.

I couldn't finish any of those clips. Bravo to those of you that could.

Ain't no party like a retard party, 'cos a retard party don't know how to stop 'cos they're retarded, yo!

I saw that too, Spindle, and from here on out I'm going to ask my friends to nominate *me* each year.