I assumed that's what everybody else in high school was doing while I was playing EverQuest.

Shh. It's gonna be okay. Just breathe into this paper bag.

Shh. It's gonna be okay. Just breathe into this paper bag.

A tube of cookie dough is a stone cold bitchin thing to get trick or treating.

A tube of cookie dough is a stone cold bitchin thing to get trick or treating.

It was nice that Jerry got to be the one being wise for once. And then undercut it by being genuinely excited for hospital jello.

It was nice that Jerry got to be the one being wise for once. And then undercut it by being genuinely excited for hospital jello.

For some reason, the baby at the very beginning who had a deep, scratchy voice and smoked cigars unsettled the hell out of me. I was a weird kid.

For some reason, the baby at the very beginning who had a deep, scratchy voice and smoked cigars unsettled the hell out of me. I was a weird kid.

There's something in the movie that calls her a "Teutonic titwillow." I remember because I was just old enough to figure that 'titwillow' was a dirty word, so for a very long time I assumed 'Teutonic' was too.

There's something in the movie that calls her a "Teutonic titwillow." I remember because I was just old enough to figure that 'titwillow' was a dirty word, so for a very long time I assumed 'Teutonic' was too.

When I was in junior high or so, I picked up Being John Malkovich at the video store because the box said Ebert gave it four stars, thinking it would be good to watch with my parents. About when the woman announced, "Suck my dick!" I had to admit that it was not.

When I was in junior high or so, I picked up Being John Malkovich at the video store because the box said Ebert gave it four stars, thinking it would be good to watch with my parents. About when the woman announced, "Suck my dick!" I had to admit that it was not.

The other day I saw an SUV with a sticker on the back that declared OBAMA'NATION. The second O was a hammer and sickle.

The other day I saw an SUV with a sticker on the back that declared OBAMA'NATION. The second O was a hammer and sickle.

God's plan is in a copy of Curious George?

God's plan is in a copy of Curious George?

Sometimes there's a dung beetle inside, but the worst part is he used to be a salesman.

Sometimes there's a dung beetle inside, but the worst part is he used to be a salesman.

It's beautiful because instead of a gay stereotype he goes for playing it as a total goddamn lunatic.