It's only because owners of nice cars insist on parking in the shadiest spots. Park in the sun and incinerate your fingertips immediately upon touching the steering wheel like the rest of us. No bird crap, and BONUS: new career option as elusive criminal.

What he lacked, TomWaits swooped in and made up for. Well done.

I can't get the AV Club from my phone. The whole damn thing is obliterated by a the unblinking firey eye of the AT&T logo. One ring to rule them all…

ElDan, that sad statement is worthy of dusting off my snark-free nice words to use them especially for you. That really sucks, dude.

Sitcoms characters have to be likable? Hardly. They can be as bastardly as they want to be, and then momentarily redeem themselves during the occasional episode to remember.

Crafty Jack, I like your style, and agree with you.

The next step in the fake rap career is forming the fake gang to protect you from the very real danger you're likely putting yourself in: death, or WORSE.

In a biiig country, dreams stay with you
Like a lover's voice, fires the mountainsiiiiide
Stay aliiiiive.

It's alriiiight, it's okaaaaay….

I think this is where you go have a good cry, LC. It's cathartic.

Well done, Last. Take a bow!

Ba, I just replayed your comment in slow motion…it said "Liberate tutame…"

Alternate quick fix to the crying friend: don't be the friend they'll call when crying. Assert yourself early on as the go-to friend for a ride, an emergency fiver, or a good laugh. Make it quickly known that a weepy phone call not related to the death of a family member/close friend will only be met with…

PW, such poetry in one single word. I laughed til I cried.

Nope. We're on fart jokes right now.

Meh. Throw it over there with the pre-teleported Wonka bar.

Allergic resnacktion to Snickers? How sad.

I actually already had my dollar out to go get a Snickers out of the machine downstairs when I saw this, and remembered how annoyed I've been by their advertising of late.

Bring whatever else you want, but you won't even get in the door without 100 Grand.

I think Offspring memorialized him by completely ripping off his gig in "Come Out and Play."