Probably just falling asleep in a sunbeam! What a goof.

I bet my older cat's thighs would be pretty tasty. I wouldn't eat my kitten (yet). Not enough flavor. And I wouldn't want to eat my parents' cat/the family cat, because at 20 years old her meat would probably be tough and terrible.

I think David Wallace's transformation was symptomatic of all the other bad changes to The Office. I enjoyed his role pre-downfall, too. He and the rest of corporate provided groundedness. While his meltdown and the schluppiness he assumed after his ousting make a certain amount of sense, I think they took it too far,…

Let the people have their cats, Lloyd.

Shit, I had everything pegged on that being a wholly unique opinion that had never been expressed by anyone ever before. It turns out my last murder victim will be myself.

Scarily accurate.

The dumb opinions I read came from dumb random internet commenters such as myself. Most of them were from two years ago.  I wrestled and ultimately overcame — just barely — the petty part of me that needed to let the commenters on this obscure website from two years ago know that they were, in fact, wrong. I…

I had a killer day. I rotated the living room area rug 90 degrees and it changed the whole damn game. And yes. It really ties the room together. I also painted more chevrons on things, reassembled furniture, baked some knobs (a statement I do not wish to elaborate on), and broke up a fight between my cats.

He has to provide for those harpy daughters and wife somehow. Bitches be shoppin'.

Should be "hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart." God, I'm a failure.

I like this idea a lot and what Affro's set up so far looks good. I'm also definitely onboard with the timing. It would be sad to leave here now, but once the show is over and we're facing the hungry seagulls of eternity together, it would be nice to do so in a place that makes a modicum of sense. You know, a place…

A bunch of pocket gophers soldered together. But the head of a man! And Snuffle Pig has been napping most of the day, and occasionally awakening to give me baleful looks and a snuffle or two.

But if it were, it could be called "Labrad'oh!"

Yeah, for the record, Affro was the one showing us how to deep throat. This list is all his stuff. Except the cats. Boy, did I ever show you guys my cats.

Since we're spoiling all the magic, whenever you see cows depicted on film, you're actually looking at horses. And whenever you see horses, you're actually looking at a bunch of cats taped together. Kind of like me, but not really.

Oh sure, I'll take a balloon for a head. And one day as I'm rocking my children to sleep, my head will just suddenly explode, and mine and their lives will continue largely unchanged without hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt incurred with my funeral expenses and the decades of therapy the kids will no doubt…

Everybody experiences the world through their soft tofu brain and coconut skull.

Really? No close calls where you almost tripped on the very last step as you made your clandestine way out the back porch, or when Ma Christian implored you to let her help you with that armload of rattling, discreet brown bags, or when you accidentally slammed a 40 in front of Baby Christian?

Feeding them mistletoe?

@avclub-bc68599029928a93ff775e686c3be325:disqus I hope you leap to my defense when I start chronicling my cats' bowel movements. Yes, they're going to be long, graphic, and intrusive posts, but what the fuck, are we the comment police???!!