Imagine a fifty-year-old man magically transformed, in body only, into a 17-year-old boy. I think we can all agree that it would be incredibly creepy of him to live as a normal teenager, seducing high-school girls. Edward is over a hundred years old.

Sometimes you'll hear a song when you're sick and feverish, and it becomes a maddening "Pink Elephants on Parade"-like loop in your mind, forever after to be associated with sickness and fever dreams.

Seasonal Entertainment Rituals
Spring: Listening to the song "First Day of Spring" by Graham Parker; reading from "Green Shadows, White Whale" by Ray Bradbury, reading the Song of Songs; watching "Darby O'Gill and the Little People," "The Secret of Roan Inish," the 1944 film "The Uninvited" (set in Cornwall in full…

I've got a good surround-sound system, which helps to make up for a glass-tube SD TV, especially when it comes to digital copies of movies I've downloaded and watched on my television, since the 5.1 mix is not as noticeably compressed as the picture. It makes the viewing experience seem bigger than what is literally…

That was one of the things I appreciated about HD DVD discs, even though they were double-sided flip-discs, which I hate. Until DVDs have gone the way of VHS tapes, I like Blu-ray/DVD combo editions, whether it's for the sake of a future upgrade or a disposable "grandma's house"/minivan/playroom disc.

That's pretty much how I feel. If I were to spend the money on a new TV, I'd want it to be an LED-backlit LCD, and I'm convinced older-style LCDs and plasmas are being phased out with things like the furniture-store giveaways that have cropped up.

I hear that some people simply download a 700mb file using a program like BitTorrent. Some of those people may have recently watched movies like "Antichrist" and "House of the Devil" before they were even officially released, and are now downloading "Moon" as I type this.

Blu-ray/DVD editions, etc.
Disney's done Blu-ray/DVD combo packs for all their animated films released since BR has been around, as far as I've noticed, and I thought it was a great idea. The single-disc "Coraline" DVD, for instance, had a list price of $30; the double-disc DVD, $35; the BR/DVD combo, $40. Currently…

I was hoping James Marsden would push the button and yell, "We're rich! Richer than astronauts!"

Let's say I'm an Orthodox Jew …
and it's between sundown Friday and Saturday evening. Is it cool if I use a Shabbos goy to push the button for me? Sorry, I just don't roll on Shabbos.

Aw, shit. "The Jar" was on "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," I forgot.

I don't know. You're very beautiful. Are you in pictures?

** Spoilers, I suppose **

Tracy Morgan + hallucinations = comedy gold.

My wife and I visited her house in New Orleans seven years ago — and by "visited," I mean we walked right up to it and looked in whatever windows we could. It was the day after Halloween, and it looked like the party had been pretty sweet, judging by what leftover decorations we could see. Stan Rice, her husband,…

Or "A Raisin in the Sun" starring an all-invisible cast?

Little TV sets
Going off inside my ear
Spacemen floating by
Firecracker beer

"Your liver has a brain tumor. It's serious."
"How serious?"
"Medical, that's how."

Boogers and poop
Dictionary soup
Run for the hills
We have to eat pills
And I love yooouuu

Uncle Jemima's Pure Mash Liquor has a 95% alcohol content, and that's per volume!