I truly can't remember ever having a stronger "I thought he/she was dead!" reaction than the one I got from reading this article's headline, and that includes the time I learned that Sherman Hemsley did not in fact die at some point in the 1930s.

*Miranda July scrambles for a pen and a phone with which to call Chipotle HQ*

Every time I get within three blocks of a White Castle my entire digestive system violently voids itself via multiple orifices and I bleed from my tear ducts and then I die! EVERY TIME.

"Stories" should obviously instead be "text for an audiobook, which will be read by".

Since when is Azaz Ansari a writer? But then again, since when is Barbara Kingsolver one either?
*rimshot*
And what about Augusten Burroughs? Seems like he'd be more comfortable writing for the BOTTOM of a cup, not the side of one!
*second, louder rimshot*
Neil Gaiman's a great choice, though. After all, when was the last…

I HATE I HAAAATE IT'S-A ALL I'MMA PROGRAMMED TO DOOOO

I know, I just went for the reference!

Like Sunshine! This movie could become a great inversion of that one. It'll be about a murder for the first two acts and then suddenly in the last 15 minutes become about trying to stop the sun from going dark and dooming the earth.

Man, that Chevy Chase episode was fucked too. Back when it aired I only knew him from his wacky 80s dad-comedies, so turning on L&O to see him in a police station yelling about hookers and drugs and A JEW COP was like walking in on your favorite cool-guy uncle just kicking the shit out of his wife.

Are you calling him…a TELEVISION ACTOR?

*to crowd of witnesses at the scene* "Did anyone here see what happened?"
*Mark Sheppard, Ray Wise, Joseph Fiennes, Geena Davis, and Edward James Olmos all shake their heads no*

"Thanks for the hotdog, pal." *Hotdog vendor played by Terry O'Quinn nods in response, is never seen again and has no lines."

4) It's always the celebrity guest star, except for that one time where Jeremy Irons WASN'T actually the murder-rapist on SVU which really threw me off and left me wierdly annoyed at the show for ruining a perfectly good system of solving the case before the protagonists do

- Maybe I could help you find your severed, mangled dick.
- (Persuade) I can help get your dick back, if you've got the gold…
- That's too bad.

"That's a neat car she's washin'!"

One day soon Sean's latest Cosby article is just going to be the word "FUCK" repeated hundreds or thousands of times, Spider Jerusalem-style.

"Which network do you work for?"
"A MAJOR one."

PLYMOUTH ROCK, AND THE GOLDEN RULE!

If we absolutely NEED to have a McDonald's-related movie, can it at least be a megabudget Guillermo del Toro-directed summer tentpole about the ancient, magical realm of McDonaldland?

My conscience was always so terribly troubled by the fact that not all of those stores were actually my favorite on the Citadel. I've done…questionable things.