As far as I'm concerned, once the theater darkens and the movie comes on, I'm in a different world where anything can happen. Regardless of whether it is a bunch of superheroes in tights slugging it out at an airport or something as implausible as Mariel Hemingway being in love with Woody Allen.

I wish I could be as badass at 72 as Danny Trejo, but I'm not even a little badass now.

Constance Wu, Constance Wu,
Anytime you call,
Constance has no fucking time
For Matt Damon's wall

Like a lot of white folks, I ignored the fuck out of that movie.

They offered him money, turned the cameras on, and he showed up and read his lines.

It fucked a lot of shit up….

Every time I hear "Hobo With A Shotgun", I sing it aloud to the tune of "Girlfriend In a Coma." And now that you've read this, you probably will too.

Charcoal rock people + guy that shoots flames + dead Killer Croc = BBQ

Yeah, but your biased, Ben Grimm.

Precredit sequence, roll credits, exposition, action, exposition, action, action, action, action, quiet exposition to give audience chance to catch a breath and refill sodas, action, action, action, action, action, open-ended ending, end credits. Don't forget to refill your soda for the long drive home.

I used to think that until I drove my car into a truck-full of puppies.

I was listening to Hannity on the radio yesterday, and he was talking to his correspondents on the scene. They had a bit where people were asked, "What country is the greatest sponsor of terrorism?". Every person asked answered, "United States."
Per that logic, Hannity deduced that every Democrat (or libtard, if you…

On the contrary. My life before 40 was awesome and exciting: drugs, alcohol, women, car crashes, broken bones, bar fights. Fuck, the last eleven years have been completely dull in comparison: divorce, work, posting stupid comments on a website.

Emma Stone or GTFO!

Really, coming from you? I love you, GH, but really??

Eh, I'm 51 and still remarkably handsome.

You can hit a "genetic wall"?

I'd like to think that a young Lin-Manuel Miranda watched the "We Are The Mediocre Presidents" musical number, and thought to himself, "….hmmmm, political musical?"

"Fox News: Fair and balanced"

No. They did not.