Is there any greater sensation of personal "cool" than ignoring nearby celebrities? I'm surprised more people don't try it.

I'd go steal an amp and guitar and then write a shitty song about how cool it is that my instruments are stolen.

Replace the "Rock" guitar in any Phantom of the Paradise song with a banjo and it all suddenly makes sense. Watching that movie now reminds me of the time that KISS played on a Paul Lynde special.

Haw haw! DJ Spooky! That Subliminal Kid with the Mad Grant-Writing Bullshit Skills.

You are mistaken. I am still not old enough to actually own property in this country.

It really doesn't matter what you say about Trump, his supporters don't even care that he's the first openly Tansgender Candidate for President.

I've heard this trope many times. I've noticed that, in practice, paranoid Hippie tropes must marinate for decades before they are spontaneously "discovered" by paranoid right-wingers. The process is hastened somewhat when Hippies and Rednecks mate and create unspeakable Hipneck spawn. Hipnecks can be observed at…

I get that people like those Conan movies, but before you go slobbering all over them at least read the goddam Robert Howard short stories. If you need pictures, read the Marvel adaptations from the 70s. So much better than these movies and never, never SLOW and/or BORING.

When I was a kid, there was this guy in town who could spin anything on his finger. Something about his finger being “double-jointed” (yeah) gave him supernatural powers over ordinary objects. Books, suitcases and other unwieldy non-basketball objects would twirl madly overhead at his touch. He also lived on a bumpy…

With a name like Monkey Pus, it has to be good.

I'm going to sue Japan for using scales from the western system of tuning instruments. They had their own scales for thousands of years, why'd they have to go "borrowing" ours? My attorneys are standing by.

Well, let's face it, if you're a Tansgendered individual like John Boehner you're going to have to develop a thick, um, skin and have a sense of humor about your life. But I'm never going to mock Trump or Boehner for reaching deep within a can and letting their melanin flag fly free. They've suffered enough and…

That's the kind of hateful rhetoric that really injures Tansgender individuals like Donald Trump. Donald was born Tan, but his body didn't match his conscious image of himself. He's gone to considerable trouble and expense to become Tan. You may look at him and say, "You're crazy! You're not really Tan and nobody is…

It's largely a matter of personality. When I was in fifth grade, our tiny old black and white TV died. Mom said, "I ain't buying a new one." The very next day I drew my first comic strip — and didn't stop drawing for years. The death of the TV utterly transformed my life and happened at just the right moment.

Unsurprisingly, I saw Fantastic Planet in the theater in 1973. It left a lasting impression. I always kind of assumed that it would age about as well as stapling paisley fabric to your bedroom ceiling has aged. I just watched it last year for the first time in ages and was very surprised that the story moves at a good…

When I saw "Shakes The Clown," I thought, "There's a way to freak out mom, dad and the squares. What an alarming concept for a subculture." And now I'm convinced that ICP didn't go far enough.

Quite a few things, as I am old and cannot afford real estate:

What bothers me about Tarantino is that he rips off low-budget exploitation films to make multi-million dollar extravaganzas. It's like Taylor Swift doing an album of Meat Puppets covers — that could be entertaining, but fuck you.

And the award this year goes to "I Do Not Own Any Copyright" by YouTube and the Standard Licenses.

There's an old story I remember from the Herb Caen days: Some stand-up comic was doing his routine in a small San Francisco club, when suddenly some gentleman stood up in the middle of the set to leave. The comic recognized the evacuee as Robin Williams and bellowed at him as he left, "Aw c'mon, Robin, I sat through…