There is simply no way to describe this movie that doesn't make me want to kill it.

I brought my daughter to the slaughter and she grasped the fundamentals right away.

That's a little less fun than my example.

I realized that when I watched my first Indonesian horror movie. You ever see one? I've seen some weird shit. Pride myself on it, in fact. Filipino midget movies. Mexican wrestling movies. Turkish remakes. Chinese black magic movies. Child's play. When I saw a floating severed head trailing a kite tail of its own…

What do you expect from people who think the universe is about 6000 years old?

Now I want Herzog to remake Fitzcarraldo with Johnson in the title role. The twist this time is that he pulls the boat over the mountain single-handedly. The film is only 15 minutes long.

The rappers themselves wanted no part of that collaboration. That was forced on them by noted honkey Rick Rubin.

And that's how it should be. Nobody expected any recognition from establishment bootlickers like U2, and they wouldn't want it if they got it. Now we got 2Pac in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame like that's some kind of honor. Fuckin' Boomers. They shit on rap for 30 years and then act like they were down since Day One,…

It's shit like this that makes it hard for me to take this generation of rappers seriously.

"Hey, fellas, I have a dynamite idea. We've hired one of the world's most impressive physical specimens to play our villain, right? He's incredibly charming and good-looking, and his mere presence on film constitutes a special effect. It would be almost impossible to fuck this up, so here's what I'm thinking: I feel…

This is my problem with the Chosen One trope. It makes becoming The Best seem like divinely ordained fate and not a long, arduous process of training, practice, self-doubt, determination, defeat, and perseverance. Like if an owl doesn't fly into your bedroom and give you the touch of destiny or whatever, why even…

Billy Crudup turned into Tommy Lee Jones so gradually, I didn't even notice.

I thought they were against scary monster clowns.

I remember the day puberty hit. The day before, Kelly Bundy was just Bud Bundy's annoying older sister. The day after, Kelly Bundy was the only character on the show as far as I was concerned.

It's more than Taxi Driver got.

Every time I lose something, I check the fridge just in case. It hasn't come to that yet but I wouldn't put it past me.

Dear Mel,

I had to take on some editing work after the Mafia shot up my crop again.

Clowns are the coalminers of the entertainment industry. Your day is done. It sucks for you but you can't stop the world from moving on.

"My God, do you see how relaxed he looks in those slacks? We have no choice but to succumb to his will!"