Welcome to our reception hall
Take some time to show you around
Impossible to break these walls
For you see the taffeta is much too strong
Seating chart to rule the world
Buffet dinners and open bars

I didn't really think of it that way. It's true that Logan should have protected her no matter what her origin is. That's just classic loner antihero technique. I was more thinking about the death scene. The themes of the story up until that point had not been about finding a glorious cause to die for. It was about…

It takes a good half-hour to get the "We can say fuck now!"s out of its system, and it has a truly epic part-where-it-drags-in-the-middle (you could make an entire other movie out of it), but it does nail both the big dramatic moments and the extra-strength carnage. I'm not sure it needed to be this bleak, though. I'm…

"Ha ha, no, seriously, I am impossible to parody! I'm that dumb and poorly spoken!"

I went out on top, man. Letters to Penthouse themselves came calling for material. The big time. It wasn't me that dried up, it was the business.

Are they cheaper inverted or uninverted?

We could have bought a hundred dollars worth of pork rectums…and that would have been…a lot of pork rectums. But we had to go all the way…with two hundred and forty dollars…worth of pork rectums. Oh yeah.

1. Read too fast.
2. Thought you were sharing a story about your dad getting a beej.
3. Reread slower.
4. Breathed sigh of relief.

Your early work, "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," changed the way I thought about the English language, but by the time you got to "Why Dump Trucks Are My Favorite Kind Of Car" I thought you were just coasting on your reputation.

As someone with an actual MFA, I can tell you that you're wrong…but not THAT wrong.

As a former professional writer of Letters to Penthouse-style porn, I can assure you that there is exactly zero chance that I'd end a story about a McDonald's delivery boy without making reference to his "secret sauce."

This is the best thing that's happened since Columbia House helped me get my hands on all those hard-to-find Mariah Carey CDs!

Why does that dog have a phone? What, is he sending a text? He doesn't have any thumbs! He's a dog!

The late 80s (which technically lasted until late 1991) was indeed the fashion nadir of human history, but the early 80s has some solid looks.

It's the sign of an impossible square trying to let it all hang out and failing miserably.

I think it's more "teenage boy who just outgrew all his old dress clothes but has to go to his grandma's birthday party anyway."

Xander's shirt is so awful that it may have looped back around to awesome.

I feel like any criticism of her outfits is just sour grapes. Just because she pulls off ensembles that would make anyone else look like a 14-year-old autistic girl going undercover to root out corruption in Fraggle Rock is no reason to hate.

Hey, did you hear about this one? Get a load of this. Apparently, in the past, people wore CLOTHES that aren't considered FASHIONABLE by MODERN standards! Ha ha, am I right? It's like, get a TIME MACHINE, you clods!

You have every right to be skeptical, but there is this place called Red Bamboo in New York that makes them and they are delicious. They somehow managed to put skin on them. I'm no vegan by any stretch of the imagination, but I honestly prefer them to most chicken wings.