IME much more likely caused by cheap booze (which often precedes late-night takeout consumption).

All due respect, Truffleberry, but I think Evan Williams and Pabst had the lock on that idea before you or BK existed.

That's why I hate Pearl Jam. I don't care if he took you backstage and you met Eddie Vedder! What a bullshit reason to break up with me.
The nonstop beer drinking and lack of ambition would have been the correct answer.

Yes, but also lawsuits.

So, so sorry for your loss Patton.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward some are stronger at the broken places. Hemingway wrote that.
But you don't have to be strong or stoic or funny. You don't owe us anything. We love you. Please know that those of us who pray, pray that the broken places heal in the time they…

"…hurt like two separate motherfuckers."
I plan to steal that sir (which is the sincerest form of flattery).

Funny; I saw the same ankles and thought cardiomyopathy.
My experience comes from a friend of course.

When you only have four-fifths of a second to get ready!

Play Betrayal at The House On The Hill.

And if you wear contact lenses… believe me, an overnight soak in lens solution does not wash off the trace of capsaicin your fingers left on the lenses. Ho-lee shit.

I can't keep an intact omelet either. Alton Brown makes it sound relatively easy but I guess I don't have the jiggle/flip skill:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/…

I was given summer ISS for a last-day-of-school infraction, and this was pretty close to the speech I was given.
It was worse than promised. I had to scrape gum off the bottom of every desk in the school with a putty knife.
EDIT TO ADD: No butt rape though.

Y'all named your daughter after fuckin Titanic? Aw, you gotta be shittin me. What's *his* name, fuckin Shrek?

I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you got clothes like a fucking dickhead.

What do I know about fashion? I know one of us used to have a personal stylist, and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug.

Simply Southern is a women's brand, sir.
*cracks open a Cheerwine to wash down burger with chili, slaw, and mustard*

Buck Melanoma, Moley Russel's wart.

Full range? I have seen a few undressed ladies. They vary so much in shape and size that I challenge you to show me the full range, sir!

Isn't that the way.

It depends how drunk you are. But it's non-negotiable that cold pizza beats any reheated Taco Bell item.