Typically tone-deaf joke.

I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty pissed when my wife remarried only a few months after I died.

I know you're not a real Friend—because for real friends the rain starts to pour.

It could be worse. You could have your nose bitten off by a Saigon whore.

She once held an opponent's wife's hand in a jar of acid…at a party.

Is there any chance that your "nards" have something to do with her disappearance?

Yeah. I almost certainly wouldn't recognize one or two Declaration lines taken out of context, but I also wouldn't freak out if I saw it tweeted—regardless of who was the sitting president.

🎵 You've been—dronederstuck! 🎵

Is syphilis a virus?

Reba McEntire?

cigar = ?

Yeah. They're acting like a bunch of John Elways.

What's that movie where Tom Cruise starts out a happy, handsome young man but becomes an angry, bitter jerk?

Inaccurate Simpsons quote, I'm sure.

I haven't spent a ton of time in Texas, but it sounds like Jeffress pretty much nailed it.

I had cold leftover Chinese for breakfast.

Nice. Since we didn't have any fancy tetherball poles, we just used PVC pipe. Also effective.

Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

Let he who is without scruples cast the first vote.

Yeah. Religion, for the most part, seems to be more about culture and being part of a team than it is about morality or justice.