Unless there's somebody actually on a balcony on the Tower screaming "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" at the end of a wonderful journey, then it's not the Dark Tower.

I've had it up to here with your constant Trump insults!

Wait. If it's a prequel, then it's a direct adaptation of the books, right? As I understand it, the movie is all the books crammed into one movie which is basically the continuation of the series after Roland climbs the Tower, right? Aw hell. I'm so confused and sober.

Can we invite my friend O'Brien? He has this boot analogy that will just crush your face forever.

Clearly not enough to screw in these lightbulbs. Seriously. It's real dark in here.

Darn good pun. ….please stay away from my children, Your Holiness.

Oh, sure. Like you've got enough homicidal rage stored up to make it through the day.

Trump can read? Well I'll be damned.

Who wants to join me in dulling our senses with some good old Victory Gin? You know, Victory Gin. The gin you drink to numb the nightmares that result from your Room 101 visit?

WAR IS PEACE

Couldn't we all just rot our brains away doing something more constructive? Like crystal meth. Or touching Ted Nugent. Or trying to have an intelligent conversation with a Trump voter?

If by "blocked" you mean waterboarded, then yes.

Fox News is going to be pissed when they find out Trump is cheating on them.

You watched 13% more than I did, and I'm willing to bet you were 13% less drunk too.

Drunk watching movies while on business trips is one of my favorite things ever.

I can't wait to watch this in 7 minute increments on TBS while doing something only slightly more entertaining like flipping through channels.

That the 4th seal of the Apocalypse has been broken?

Perhaps that is why Kim Jong Un was born. To end this sad failure called humanity in a hellscape of nuclear fire that only the roaches and Scaramucci will survive.

Mooch won't die. If anything, he'll just go back to being a villain in Cool World.

Oh boy. You are NOT going to want to read the Washington Post today.